


in another life maybe | a claire & neil story

by leiaswan



Category: The Good Doctor (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Drama & Romance, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Love Triangles, Medical Examination, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:08:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 41,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23026822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leiaswan/pseuds/leiaswan
Summary: When Neil Melendez and Claire Browne meet in a bar after an exhausting and nerve-racking day at work, their "friendship" is put to the test.Claire, who was stood up by her date Dash, is being harassed by strangers and Neil rushes for help. Both tense and lonely share a night together.Has it always been more than just a platonic friendship? How can the attending hide his growing feelings for his resident and at the same time protect her from the eyes of the superiors, lies and rumors that are spread about them?
Relationships: Claire Browne & Neil Melendez, Claire Browne/Jared Kalu, Claire Browne/Neil Melendez, Neil Melendez/Jessica Preston
Comments: 49
Kudos: 214





	1. three moscow mules

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you guys for reading the first chapter to my story. please be gentle, english isn't my first language! I hope you enjoy it just as much as I enjoyed writing it.

"The esophagus is expanded with a so-called stretchable balloon. It is usually inserted into the esophagus and inflated at the constriction ... Since it is not possible in your case, we have to perform an esophageal myotomy." Claire remains steadfast. She has already memorized the speech for the patient three times. Only two points to go and she will be assisting Dr. Lim in her upcoming surgery.

"esopha ... what?" The patient glances back and forth between Melendez and Claire. He looks unsettled, confused. Melendez puts a hand on Claire's shoulders and squeezes gently.

"What Dr. Browne would like to tell you is that we have to split the sphincter of the esophagus, which converts the sphincter opening disorder into a closing disorder. The chances of recovery are excellent. 90% of surgeries are without any complications." The patient appears calm and presses his head against the pillow in relief.

Claire closes the door behind her. Right before she goes off to Dr. Lims office, she is stopped by Melendez.

"That wasn't bad, Claire. Next time maybe a little less Shaun, but a bit more of that", he says and points his finger at Claire's chest, right at the place of her heart. "Next time?", Claire asks curiously. "I thought I was just missing two points before I could assist Dr. Lim during the epifascial necrectomy."

"I'll put in a good word for you. But Shaun and Morgan are a few steps ahead of you. I cannot promise you anything." He smiles gently and walks away. Great. She was so sure before, that she had overtaken Morgan and Shaun a long time ago. The only thing that can help her now are Melendez’s references.

Shaun is sitting at the bus stop, his hands folded over his thighs, a lunch box with a peanut butter sandwich resting on his lap. Claire sits next to him and sighs.

"Why are you sighing, Claire?" Shaun asks without taking his eyes off the wide street from which the bus is supposed to depart every minute.

"I am tired. I thought I had the necrectomy in my pocket, but you seem to be a little ahead of me." She knows that Shaun appreciates her honesty.

"That is not true. I saw Dr. Melendez twenty-eight minutes ago in Dr. Lim's office. They argued. It was about you assisting her during surgery. »

"For real? What did they say?"

“Dr. Lim doesn't like it when Dr. Melendez fights for you."

“You mean, they did this before?”

“Yes. All the time. They did it when someone filed the favoritism complaint too. I could hear them in patient room number 203 which is approximately…”, before Shaun could finish his sentence, Claire grabs her bag and rushes back inside the hospital, trying to catch Melendez before he leaves for the night. She pushes the door to the locker room and almost runs over Melendez, who seems to just be gotten out of the shower. He’s wearing black trousers, his white shirt is unbuttoned and slightly sticking to his damp, muscular upper body. His wet hair is brushed back and all that Claire can think of is how attractive he is. The white shirt offers the perfect contrast to his bronze-colored skin and the tattoo stands out discreetly on his neck. With each of his breaths, another waterdrop runs down his body and Claire tries not to take her eyes off his face.

“Claire? I thought we said we’d meet on Friday for a running session. Did I mess up the dates?”, he asks. He frowns and looks at his, probably expensive, watch.

“Shaun just saw you in Dr. Lim’s office. He said you guys were fighting. You said you would put in a good word for me. I didn’t ask for you to fight her. Not now, not ever. I can stand up for myself.”

He seems shocked and confused. “I didn’t _fight_ her. She was making comments again about the favoritism complaint and I won’t let someone spread lies or rumors about me, or you… or us.” He lowers his eyes and buttons his shirt up to his neck. “I wanted her to believe that you and I have nothing to do with each other outside of work. I can’t let her jeopardize our friendship. I did put in a good word for you. She just took it the wrong way. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. I may have made it worse for you than it already is.”

Claire didn’t know. “I’m sorry, Neil”, she says embarrassed.

“It’s alright. You go and enjoy your night off”, he smiles. Claire isn’t sure how to read that smile. It looks friendly, compassionate and yet tense. Neil grabs his briefcase and leaves the locker room, leaving Claire standing there alone with her thoughts, as if someone ordered her but didn’t pick her up.

* * *

Dr. Lim presses the button to start the powerpoint presentation and looks around. Claire, Morgan, Alex, Shaun and Melendez are sitting around the conference table, waiting for her to start the summary of the surgery.

“Disinfection is carried out with a colorless disinfectant in order to be able to continue to assess the degree of blood flow to the tissue. We use spray disinfection for problematic areas such as anal area, ears or very hairy genital areas. As soon as the patient is on his way to the operating room, we heat the room to counteract the patient's cooling down. When preparing for surgery, it is advisable to plan the more precise modalities of the sterile covering only after the dressing has been removed. The possibility of removing split skin should be given, so a healthy extremity must be covered. When resecting large amounts of skin, a tourniquet is necessary. For grade 2b and 3 burns, the electric knife is used to remove epidermis, corium and subcutaneous fat. The defect is definitely provided with split skin if possible or temporarily covered with Xenograft.”

Claire tries to concentrate on the lecture, but her eyes wander over to Melendez, who’s sitting right across her and for a split second, they catch each other’s glance, before he quickly moves his head away from her and towards Lim. _What the fuck just happened,_ Claire thought to herself.

“Who do you pick to assist you?”, he asks to distract from that awkward moment. “Dr. Murphy. I believe your expertise would be useful during this surgery”, Dr. Lim points at Shaun and lifts up her head, making it seem like she just made a decision for her town-peasants as a queen. Shaun smiles and jumps up the chair. Melendez looks back at Claire, mouthing the words _I’m sorry_ to her. She tries to hide her disappointment by joining in on the applause for Shauns success.

“Well done Shaun, what a surprise”, says Morgan sarcastically as she leaves the conference room soon after Claire. Claire walks down the hallway towards the Cafeteria to grab lunch and Morgan follows her, grabbing her by the wrist. “Hey!”, Claire shouts and pulls her arm off Morgan’s tight grip. “Can you believe Shaun won that thing? I was so sure you had it. Lim seemed very biased. I’m sure she already knew he would win without even taking us into consideration. Shaun’s her favorite.”

“Maybe he was just better than us.”

“Of course, you would say that. Anyway, what are your plans for tonight? Are you up for some lab testing?” Morgan looks at her nervously, expecting her answer.

“Actually, I am… going to meet someone”, Claire answers. Morgan seems disappointed, tapping her fingers on the medical record she’s been carrying around for the past few days. Claire gives her a reassuring smile, apologizes and leaves.

It took a while for her to open her heart again for anyone else than Jared Kalu. She isn’t sure whether she really loved him, but there definitely was trust and understanding. She could talk to him about her family, especially her mother but after Jared left and her mother died, she didn’t feel like talking to anyone about it. Neil Melendez caught her off guard. He crept up on her, slowly and patient without expectations. Finally, she could have a friend again. Neil encouraged her to get out there again. To meet people and maybe fall in love. She trusts his word and his advice, right now, more than anyone else in this world, which is why she’s going to meet Dash.

At home, she stares at her somewhat empty closet, contemplating on what to wear. _It’s just a drink at a bar_ , Claire thinks to herself. Dash would not mind her wearing blue jeans and a regular white tank top. Her hair is tied up into a messy, curly bun and the only make up she put on is some mascara to accentuate her brownish-greenish eyes. She never liked her freckles and her birthmarks, but somehow, she feels confident enough to not cover them tonight. _It’s probably because of the beers I already had,_ she thinks to herself. _It doesn’t hurt to go into this a little bit tipsy, right?_

_07:30 PM_

_07:54 PM_

_08:31 PM_

Her third Moscow Mule already. Dash must be stuck in traffic without reception. It has already been an hour since they were supposed to meet at the bar. Did she write down the right bar? It must be this one, since it is her favorite. And she told Dash that it is her favorite, _right?_ The bartender gives her a pitiful smile, shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head, telling Claire with his undeniably negative facial expressions, that Dash would not show up anymore. Her head starts to spin. Maybe that last drink was too much. She tries to get up slowly, but her vision starts to blur like a curtain covering her eyes. She tries to hold on to the counter when she suddenly reaches for a strong upper arm grabbing her waist.

“Dash, I thought you actually dumped me”, she chortles, wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him close. He feels different than usual. She can hear him answer her, but his voice sounds different, somewhat deeper and smokier, telling her to come with him. _That must be the alcohol distorting my hearing and vision._

“Where are we going?”, Claire asks, trying to reach for his hand but he pushes her wrists down, dragging her with him outside. As her vision starts to normalize, she looks up at Dash’s face, only to realize, that this isn’t Dash dragging her away from the bar. The moment the stranger notices her regain full consciousness, he pulls her body closer and pushes her towards his car.

“Let go of me!” Claire shouts and tries to escape the man’s grip, as she gets slammed to the side of the RV, his body pressing against hers, covering her mouth with his hand. She feels his erection pushing against her stomach.

“A few minutes ago, you couldn’t wait to rip my clothes off”, the man grunts. “Don’t fight me, you stupid bitch. I’m sure you will enjoy it”, he whispers and in that split second that Claire has accepted her fate of being raped in the middle of a parking lot, she can hear a loud, beating noise and the weight that was pressing against her is dragged away to the ground. She tries to look up through her blurred vision that is filled with tears, while running away from the parking lot and glances at Neil who looks desperate and worried, trying to find a safe spot.

“Jesus Christ, Claire”, his voice filled with fear and anger. “Look at me and breathe!” She can feel his hands holding her face, giving her warmth and making her feel safe. She tries to look at him, but she can’t. Suddenly, he pulls her into his arms and her quiet screams and tears choke and disappear in his chest as he rocks her back and forth.

* * *

“Did you know this man?”, he asks calmly, reaching her a cup of hot chocolate. He brought her to his apartment, wrapped her into a blanket like a burrito and sat across her on his couch, far enough for her to not feel pressured or overwhelmed. Claire shakes her head and presses her fingers against her temple, probably trying to get rid of the stabbing headache.

“Where was Dash?”, he asks again.

“I don’t know. He didn’t show up”, embarrassed she lowers her eyes. Neil’s jaw clenches at the thought of her being left alone. Why would anyone abandon such a woman?

“Why were you there?”, Claire pulls him out of his thoughts.

“I was just going for a run”, he lies. He wasn’t just going for a run of course. He knew Claire would be there. He still doesn’t know what made him follow her though. He didn’t want to spy on her or anything. But seeing her hug Dash the other day at the hospital and her being so happy about going on a date with him, made him feel jealous. He didn’t want to admit it, he knows he can’t act on his feelings but sometimes you just can’t help who you fall for.

“I’m sorry I dragged you into this”, she apologizes, and tears start to roll down her cheek. “Hey… hey….”, soft and slow Neil slides in her direction, pulling her into his arms again. Her head rests on his chest and he prays to god she can’t feel his heart beating faster every second she lies on it. “You don’t have to apologize for anything. This is not your fault.”

“Thank you, Neil”, she whispers, pulling out her hand from under the blanket, softly placing it onto his chest, next to her cheek. “That’s what friends are for, right. And as you said, coming home to an empty apartment sucks. So, I’m also glad I don’t have to be alone tonight”, he laughs. “I think I had the worst two days of my life”, Claire cracks a smile as she feels Neils chest going up and down as he chuckles.

“You can take tomorrow off, you know. I’m sure Morgan can cover your shift. You don’t have to pressure yourself to do anything.”

“No, I want to go to work Neil. I’ve gone through much worse in my life. I won’t let this take me down”, she says as she props herself up, staring right into his eyes.

She looks so beautiful. Her curly hair is wrapped around her soft cheeks, her glowing eyes, swollen from the tears, yet their shine stands out so clearly from the rest of her face. He tries to hide his smitten smile, slowly pushing one of her curls behind her ears and in that moment, he can’t help himself. He leans forward, softly pressing his lips on hers, cupping her head in his hands. For a moment he feels her stiffening up but then her body relaxes, leaning towards him, embracing his kiss. He feels her hands running up his body, stopping at the buttons of his shirt.

“You don’t have to do this”, he says, trying to reassure her. But she only smiles, bites her lip and kisses him again, while opening his buttons. Sometimes he catches her looking away from him, blushing, as if she was embarrassed of being vulnerable. She is so tough and strong, but she doesn’t know that. He knows she tries to hide her weaknesses, but tonight he uncovered them. Tonight, he would try to mend her broken pieces back together, hoping, that maybe she would mend his too.

“We shouldn’t be doing this in the first place”, she whispers, sliding off her tank top and bra, baring her breasts. He puts his hands around them, kneading them while kissing her neck and her beautiful and flawless skin towards her nipples. She sighs and lets out a soft moan. He feels her hands opening his pants and he lifts his bottom so she can slide them off. Her warm breath tingles in his ears and he pulls her against him, turning her on her back so he can look at her from above. “You’re my attending”, she reminds him, laughing as if it is a joke. “Not tonight”, he answers, shutting up her laugh with a passionate kiss. His hands move down and he can feel her stomach nervously going up and down, her breath going stronger and faster as he covers her entrance with his hands. He feels her tighten up and she pushes her back against his hand as he slides his finger inside her, making her moan louder. She almost comes but he pulls away, positioning himself to enter her.

* * *

Claires legs wrap around his bottom and she leans back as she feels him thrusting into her, forgetting every bad thing that has happened to her today and drowning in the ecstasy of the feeling of him inside her. Both, hungry for one another and in desperate need of affection, coming almost simultaneously in each other’s embrace. As she reaches her climax, he grabs her hand, pushing them above her head, intertwining her fingers with his. 

They’re still lying on his couch when Claire opens her eyes. The sun has already gone up, it must be morning already. She glances at Neil, who’s sleeping beside her; naked. Her head is spinning, her mouth dry and her limbs sore. _Did that really happen last night?_ she thinks. _What the fuck are you doing, Claire?_

* * *

Neil wakes up and sees Claire sitting on the edge of his couch, tying her shoes, getting ready to leave. “This was a mistake”, she says firmly. He frowns, his heart skips a beat. “What do you mean?”, he asks her, as if he doesn’t understand what she just said to him. “You heard me. I’m your resident. If anyone finds out, you and I could both lose our jobs. This job is my life. I’m sorry, Dr. Melendez. But I can’t risk it.” She doesn’t look back at him. He wants her to look back so she can look into his eyes and maybe be convinced otherwise, but she doesn’t. It has been a while, since she’s called him Dr. Melendez. It feels strange, somehow distant. But maybe she is right. He doesn’t want her to feel on edge the entire time, scared someone might find out about them. “In another life maybe”, he smiles at her, reassuring her. She gently squeezes his hand and leaves.


	2. New York

“Why so grumpy today?”, Morgan asks with a serious voice. Claire didn’t have much time to freshen up since she’s left Neil’s apartment. She carefully tries to hide her bruises from last night under her white coat, also trying to avoid Morgan asking about it. For a brief second she feels the stranger's firm grip on her wrist again and she flinches.

“Careful, Dr. Browne. We don’t want any injured arteries, don’t we?”, warns Dr. Andrews. Claire puts down the scalpel and holds her trembling hand. “I’m sorry, it’s been a long night”, she stutters.

“A long night? It was your night off Dr. Browne. You shouldn’t be drinking on the night before an important surgery”, Dr. Andrews reminds her. She can hear Morgan smirking through her mask. “Now get your act together and concentrate”, he tells her warningly.

The thought of last nights incident has been following her around since she left Neil’s last night. What if the guy is trying to find her? Does she need to file a report at the police station? What if he’s looking for her _right now?_ Or worse, what if he’s already here, watching her from every corner, ready to just jump her again any second. _Come on Claire, you’re no weak link. Woman up!_ She feels the heat rushing to her head, her heart beating faster and a sudden tingling in her fingers. Her breath gets heavier and her hands start to sweat, sticking on her gloves. _You are NOT having a panic attack in the OR,_ she thinks, trying to calm herself down.

“Are you okay?”, Morgan asks, and Claire feels the many pair of eyes staring right at her. “I need to be excused for a minute.” Claire’s vocal cords are tied up. She wants to say something, but the only sound she can get out is a suffocating cough. The OR nurse removes Claire’s medical gowns, brushes off her gloves and leads her towards the exit. As soon as the doors open, Claire takes a deep breath. She feels herself tremble, so she slides down the nearest wall and closes her eyes. So many thoughts are rushing through her head. Last night might have been the worst night of her life. It doesn’t take long for Morgan to sit down next to her.

“Hey, what’s up?”, she asks, nudging Claire’s shoulders. “I have never seen you like this before. You seemed… occupied.”

“I don’t want to talk about it”, Claire says, emotionless.

“You don’t have to eat it up, you know. You can talk to me. I know we’re not best friends. But we had some bonding moments, don’t you think?” Morgan smiles, resting her head on the cold wall behind them. Claire shakes her head, pulling her knees up to her chest. She doesn’t feel like talking to Morgan, she never did. The only person she talked to in the past few weeks was Neil. _Where is Neil?_ She hasn’t seen him come in today. _Maybe it’s for the better_.

“If you don’t want to talk to me, talk to your psychologist. You’re still seeing her, aren’t you?”

Claire nods.

“I have to go back in. Andrews said you don’t have to. Or more like… you shouldn’t”, she smiles, gently squeezes Claire’s knee and gets up. Before she reenters the OR, she turns back around. “Oh, by the way. Dr. Lim wants to see you in her office, she said.”

* * *

Melendez walks down the office, back and forth. He taps on his lips with his fingers pondering. Lim sits on her table, her arms crossed. “I do agree with you, Neil. Dr. Browne is an exceptional resident, an exceptional doctor. I believe she would be a great candidate for the residency program in New York. However, I don’t think she would appreciate it if we just throw her name out there without her consent”, she says firmly. Suggesting Claire as a candidate for this internship in one of New York’s most elite hospitals was the only way for him and her to have a clean slate. They wouldn’t have to worry about rumors anymore and maybe Claire could have a fresh start. The only thing that matters for him right now, is her safety. His gaze wanders over to Claire, as she enters Lim’s office.

“You wanted to see me?”, she asks, quiet and polite as always. Her hair is still tied up like the night before, her cheeks are red, and her smile still brightens up the whole room as she walks in. Although the smile doesn’t seem as genuine as it did the times before. He waits for her to look at him, just a small second of eye contact, but she doesn’t. He feels tense, trying not to act suspicious of anything.

“Actually, this was Dr. Melendez’s idea”, Lim smiles at him and looks back at Claire, “He came up to me asking to consider you for the internship program at the New York-Presbyterian. You would be an excellent candidate. You’d have great opportunities there, Dr. Browne. Of course, we would regret losing you, but we think you could excel there, as a doctor.”

Claire now looks at Neil. He isn’t sure what to read in her eyes. Her eyes twitch for a split second, what feels like a look filled with shock, hate and disgust.

“I am flattered”, she starts, “but not interested.”

He tried to avoid eye contact again, processing what she just said. “You should consider it.”, he says. It takes him all his strength, not to walk up to her, asking her to stay.

Lim’s pager goes off. “Excuse me, please. Dr. Browne, think about it and get back to me when you’ve made your decision.” She rushes out of the office, leaving Neil and Claire sitting across each other at the office table.

“Why did you do that’”, she asks. Now there’s pain in her voice.

“It is the only thing that can resolve this situation.”

“What situation? There is nothing going on between us, Neil. What happened yesterday was a mistake and won’t happen again. We are two co-workers whose relationship is strictly professional and platonic.” Every word she says is a stab into his guts. “You don’t mean that.”, he whispers but she can’t hear it.

“I have built a life here. A life with friends and a great job, that I love. I don’t want to jeopardize that. Especially not because of a stupid One Night Stand, which by the way, happened when I was drunk and vulnerable.”

His jaw clenches. How stupid of him to think, that it could have meant something more. “Are you saying I took advantage of you?”

Claire shakes her head. “No of course not. I’m just trying to tell you that this-“she waves her fingers back and forth between them, “-wasn’t how I normally act and I was stupid and naïve. This is what I do… I needed a friend and you were there and I just…”

“What you are doing right now, is building up this wall that you had before. Don’t let that happen again. Don’t let this man try to rob you of something that makes you who you are. I liked who you were with your walls down.” He takes her hand, but she pulls it away.

“Why do you want me to leave?”, she asks him after what felt like an hour of silence.

“I did this for you. I don’t want you to feel scared here. Scared of some guys trying to attack you again or scared of Lim or Andrews or anyone, finding out about us and making your life a living hell. This could be a great start for you. I don’t want you to go but maybe you have to, and you know it.”

* * *

He is right. It might be the only way for her to forget everything that happened. She tries to ignore the aching feeling she got in her heart, when she looked into Neil’s eyes. _But do I want to forget?_ , she thinks.

“Are we still friends?”, she asks him. Neil smiles, just a little bit, before he frowns and gets up from the chair. “You just shouted at me”, he answers. She knows that she hurt him with her words.

_She remembers the first time she saw him. Her internship just started, and he was waiting for her group in front of the locker room, next to his ex-fiancée Jessica Preston. His hands were put inside his white coat, his facial expressions tense and serious, but he was undeniably attractive and sexy. For a moment she thought that when he spotted her, his face relaxed and he raised his eyebrows in curiosity, but he seemed to have collected his thoughts instantly and went back to be the grumpy attending._

“Of course, we are still friends”, Neil says. He smiles but there is sadness in his eyes. _Did he really mean that?_ “Please think about New York. I need you to be safe”, he continues. Only a few inches away from her, she can feel the heat of his breath on her face. An awkward moment between them, before he sighs and turns away. Right after he left, Claire notices a shadow sneaking up behind her, startling her. Alex Park stands right in front of her, crossing his arms together and raising his eyebrow. “What the hell are you doing, Claire?”, he asks firmly, making her blush and look away. “Is there something going on between you and Dr. Melendez?”

“What? Of course not, silly”, she tries to shake it off with a laugh, hoping he doesn’t notice her blunt lie. “That didn’t sound like nothing”, he answers, cutting off her way to the exit.

“Alex, I promise you, nothing is going on. Please let me through.”

“We all knew something is up between you two. Even Shaun noticed it. That’s why Morgan filed the complaint. You learned nothing, didn’t you? This could seriously damage your career”, he lectures her.

Claire gives in. She knows there is no way that Alex will believe otherwise. Her last hope is, that Alex was enough of a friend to shut up about it.

“It was a one-time thing, Alex. I promise you; it will never happen again.”

“Maybe you should take that job in New York.”

“How do you know about that?”

“I just overheard. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone… as long as you take that job.” He smirks.

In that moment, right after those words, she feels like her heart stopped beating. She never thought that Alex would want to get rid of her, she thought of him as a friend – as a good person who wouldn’t threaten or blackmail anyone in his own favor.

“What are you saying?”, she asks in absolute disbelief.

“I’m saying that you are our biggest competition here. You’re the best resident and everyone knows that. And now that you have Melendez on your side, the rest of us is screwed. It’s best if you leave, maybe we’ll have a chance to go far here when you’re gone.”

Claire’s eyes fill with tears. _Don’t let him see you cry_ , she thinks. After these days of hell, this is the last thing she needs. She knew that sleeping with Neil was a huge risk and would cause personal problems between her and him and the fear of someone finding out about them haunted her the past few days, more than anything. But someone finding out and blackmailing her with it, making her choose between two evils, was the worst thing that could have happened. She either chooses New York City and tries to forget everything that ever happened between her and Neil, or she chooses to stay, to be around him, her best friend, but jeopardizing her and his career in the process. Leaving San José might also be the opportunity for her to start fresh, get over the incident. Maybe in the end, that is the lesser of two evils. Her eyes are closed, and she thinks about Neil and leaving him, her only friend and confidant, behind.

* * *

That night, Neil sits on his sofa, his feet on the coffee table. The thought of Claire followed him around the whole day at work. He tries to remember her soft lips on his, the warm touch of her hand and her cheeks resting on his chest. Although he is sure that her leaving for New York would be the right thing, the thought of losing her, and maybe never seeing her again, aches. For a few moments, back at work, he thought she might have changed her mind about them. That she would throw her hands around his neck, asking him to kiss her again and forget everything she said about their night together. But she didn’t. What he saw in her eyes was hate and disbelief, that he would even suggest such a thing. But what he said to her was the absolute truth. He does want her to be safe. And even if every bone in his body tells him to beg her to stay, he knows that she isn’t safe with him and will never be, as long as he is her attending and she is his resident.

* * *

Claire sits in front of her psychiatrist; the constant ticking of the clock makes her feel anxious and she absently rubs her wrist. It has been a while since she talked to her. The last time after her mother died.

“Are you sure there is nothing you want to talk about?”, she asks calmly.

There is. There is a lot she wants to talk about, but she can’t. How can she tell her, that she was stood up by Dash, drank too much, almost got raped, slept with her boss, got offered a job in New York and blackmailed to that that job, all in a span of two days? How could anyone process that.

Her psychiatrist pulls her out of her thoughts. “Last time you were here, we talked about your mother and how you felt misunderstood. Did you find comfort in the meantime? Has there been a friend to lean on?”

“There has.”

“How is that friendship progressing? You have had troubles opening up to someone before. Do you feel like that has changed?”

“It has.” It really did change, since Neil crept up into her life.

“That’s great, Claire. Do you want to tell me about your friend?”

She so desperately does. “Not really…”, she answers.

“You can trust me.” Her smile lights up, calming and surely trustworthy. And somehow Claire feels the sudden need of letting go, so she does. She tells her about Dash, how he cooked her lasagna one day and asked her on a date the other, but never showed up. She tells her about the stranger, dragging her to the parking lot and putting his hands on her mouth. She tells her about Neil, pushing the stranger away and holding her tight, making her feel safe and calming her down and about Neil taking her back home to his apartment, being a great friend and how somewhere in between she felt her heart beating faster by the thought of him and her being together. So, she tells her about how he kissed her and how he made her forget every bad thing that has happened to her by just being with her, holding her and comforting her, making love to her. She tells her about the internship in New York and how she feels like it is the right decision to leave, but every fiber in her body tells her to stay, although it could mean risking everything. And by the end of her story she feels the tears that have run down her cheek like a waterfall.

“You are in love with him”, the woman says.

“I can’t be. He’s my friend, my boss. I can’t be in love with him. It could ruin our life.”

“You have to make a decision, Claire. Neither of those are easy decisions to make. You have worked so hard to get where you are. Losing this career would be a great deal for you, I am sure. But losing someone that means something to you? A friend or even if he is someone you love as more than that. Are you sure you can go through that again?”, the woman asks her.

Claire closes her eyes and she thinks about what Park said. “I’ve made my decision already.”


	3. a bloody fist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for liking my story so far. I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy in this difficult time. xoxo

It's been three months since Claire decided to leave. Neil keeps meeting someone who reminds him of her. A patient who fights for survival with every fiber of his body or the strangers on the streets, at the bus stop or the coffee shops who hug and open their arms for each other with such charity and compassion. He misses her, but he doesn't have to worry about something going wrong and he mustn't be angry with her, after all, New York was his idea. Sometimes he wonders if she is thinking of him at that same moment, but he shakes the thought out of his head instantly.

Neil puts the medical record at the patient's feet and crosses his arms. “You should have come much earlier. Bleeding after a tonsillectomy can be fatal”, he lectures the patient and he nods in agreement. “We’ll have to stop the bleeding surgically. Shaun, get an OR ready and inform Dr. Lim. I want you and Dr. Browne to assist me.” It takes a second for him to realize what he just said.

“Claire is not here anymore, Dr. Melendez”, Shaun says, and the room falls into awkward silence.

“Of course. I know that.” Lost in thought and embarrassed, Neil grabs the file and hurries out of the room. Shaun follows him.

“I think you miss Claire”, Shaun says shamelessly.

“And I think this is not a matter that a resident has to discuss with his attending. Now get the OR, Shaun.” He is angry. Rightly so, he thinks. Neil tries hard to distract himself, but it's the hardest thing he ever had to do. Audrey crosses his path and grabs him by his wrist. “What is going on?”, she asks. Shaun shrugs and leaves, leaving Audrey and Neil by themselves.

“Everything is fine”, Neil lies. Audrey knows him well. They’ve been together for a long time and he probably won’t be able to hide from her. He notices her staring at him and studying his facial expressions.

“If there is something that could interfere with your work then you need to tell me”, she tells him. He nods in anger, freeing himself from her grip and walking away without answering her. In the background, he can hear her sigh in disbelief.

He drops onto the bench in the locker room, the same bench he sat with Claire, telling her to go for Dash. It may have been that moment when he realized that there was something special between him and her, when he, again, felt the cold sting of jealousy in his heart. He unlocks his phone at opens her last text message she sent him before she left for New York.

_“I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye. I don’t know how. Maybe this is me trying to say goodbye now. We both know it’s the only way we can start fresh. I’ll miss you. X”_

He quickly locks it again, as he hears someone at the other end of the room. It is Morgan and Alex, talking so loudly that it almost sounds like they are fighting about something.

“I can’t believe you’ve done that. I don’t want to know about this,” Morgan says.

“She was in both of our ways, Morgan. What else would you have done?” Both sounds upset.

“Nothing, nothing at all! If anyone finds out, you’re screwed!”

“With Claire gone, you and I can go way further ahead. Otherwise _she_ would’ve gotten all the credit from Melendez, as always.”

Neil’s eyes widen. He can’t believe what he just overheard. Maybe Claire didn’t want to leave after all. Maybe Alex blackmailed her into leaving. But that means, he knows something he shouldn’t. He hides behind a locker until he can hear the soft footsteps of Morgan leaving, then he decides to confront Alex. He cuts him off before he’s able to leave the room, grabbing him by his collar and shoving him onto the wall.

“What did you say to Claire to make her leave?”, he shouts. Alex raises his arms and laughs.

“Are you seriously threatening me, _Dr. Melendez_?”

“What do you know?”, Neil asks, without answering Alex’s question.

“I know enough to end her career and yours. I told her if she doesn’t leave for New York, I will tell everyone about your little liaison. She’s a smart girl. She chose to save her own ass.”

Heat rises into Neils head. He wants to beat Alex black and blue. _How could he do this,_ he thinks.

“If you hit me, or if you try to go against me, I will report you to the HR. What do you think would this do to your precious career? Especially when they find out that you fucked your resident.” Alex’s voice sounds deep and emotionless, as if he’s been practicing this moment for a while now. Neil releases him from his hold and takes a deep breath. Alex laughs and pats him on the shoulder. “I knew you’re also a smart guy”, he says and turns around. Neil needs to have a plan. A plan on how to get rid of Alex Park as soon as possible without him revealing any secrets about him and Claire. He breaths heavily, trying not to punch the wall in front of him but his anger overcomes him and his fist slams into it. He grits his teeth in pain and holds his fist tightly in his hand, when he feels his warm blood dripping between his fingers. He slides down the wall, pressing his face into his hands, trying to get rid of the stabbing headache that shoots through his head like lightning. With his left hand, he reaches for his phone again, opening Claire’s text message.

_“I know about Park. Please call me”,_ he types and sends.

* * *

Neil has been trying to fall asleep for hours, but constantly checking his phone to see if Claire answered or called keeps him awake. Every now and then he nods off, but suddenly he is startled again and again. His thoughts circle around Park, then back to Claire. He closes his eyes and tries to think of something nice.

_Claire lies naked on his chest, softly caressing his thigh but stopping right before she reaches his bulge. His hands wander down her back, following down the path of her spine until he firmly covers her behind with his hand, squeezing gently and making her giggle. He slides on with his fingers until he feels the wetness of her lady bits at his fingertip. She flinches and moans softly, then she reaches for his cock, stroking it slowly._

Neil breathes heavily and reaches under his boxer shorts.

_Her kisses are needy and passionate, while she positions herself on top of him. As he enters her, she unleashes a loud, desperate moan for more and the more he speeds up his thrusts, the louder her begs get, screaming his name in pleasure._

He comes, quiet and lonely in his bed with the thought of having her by his side. After a while, his legs drag him into the bathroom and for a moment he stares into his reflection in the mirror. Dark circles surround his lower eyelids and his cheeks look sunken in. He may have simply not eaten enough the past few days. The corners of his mouth hang down. It's been a while since he last saw or felt them smile. His black hair is disheveled, and he smells sweat and the disgusting smell of latex-gloves from work on his skin. Maybe a hot shower wouldn’t be so bad right now. He stands under the scorching hot water and hopes that his thoughts will be burned away.

* * *

“… Now the tracheal flange of the voice prosthesis must be pulled into the windpipe, which is much more difficult with a freshly punctured shunt than with a healed shunt. The development of the tracheal flange of the voice prosthesis into the trachea is best accomplished with two alternating anatomical clamps attached to the flange with a slight pull on the flange.”

Neil closes his eyes. He has been listening to Shaun for two hours about how to operate a voice prosthesis on a patient. He is tired and his thoughts keep wandering.

“A prosthesis with a shaft length of 15 millimeters is usually sufficient for patients of normal weight and not pre-irradiated. Shorter prostheses should not be used during initial use, as they can cut into postoperative edema and can lead to necrosis.”

“Wrong”, Morgan interrupts Shaun. “A shaft length of 10 millimeters should be used, not 15 millimeters.”

“No, I disagree”, Shaun counters and they both stare at Neil for his advice. He is startled and looks back and forth between the two. “I’m sorry?”, he says. Morgan rolls his eyes and looks back at Shaun. “I am positive that it is 10 millimeters and for obese patients we use 12 millimeters.”

“Morgan is right,” Audrey says, who sits right next to Neil, gently nudging him into his side.

“Postoperatively, the wound area swells, which is why the position of the voice prosthesis is checked daily to detect pressure ulceration and necrosis early. As soon as wound healing has progressed enough to allow the patient to swallow, he can start speech training,” Morgan continues, leaving Shaun speechless and irritated. Lim leans over to Neil and whispers in his ear. “What is going on?”, she asks. “A long night”, he answers and tries to put on a smile. His gaze wanders to Alex, who is sitting on the other side of the room and doesn’t pay any attention to him, as if nothing ever happened. “You’ve had a lot of those lately,” Lim says and leans back on her chair, pointing her chin at Neils hand, which is covered in bandages.

“What happened?”, she asks.

“It got caught in the door when I closed it”, he lies, and Lim raises her eyebrows. “In the door, yes?”, she laughs and shakes her head. “Listen, you don’t have to tell me everything. But I know something is up and I want you to know that you can talk to me about whatever you want”, she reassures him.

There is so much he wants to talk about, but he shakes his head and turns away from her. And then his phone rings. When he looks at the name on the screen it says _anonymous_. He jumps up and rushes out of the room shaking. He picks up.

“ _Hello_?”, he says after what felt like a minute of silence.

“It’s me, Claire.”


	4. 3000 miles

Claire is sitting in the canteen with her colleagues. Lost in thought, she stabs her mashed potatoes with a fork. She left San José three months ago, and yet she doesn't feel any better than before. Every now and then she looks at her cell phone. Her roommate has just moved out to move in with her boyfriend, now Claire has to take care of a new tenant all by herself. She rubs her temple to push the headache away, but nothing happens, then her pager goes off. Claire storms into the operating room and logs in. The OR-nurse puts her apron on and tightens her face mask, leaving Claire flinching, when her hair gets stuck in the string.

“What do we have?”, Claire asks as her attending Dr. Warren arrives. He reminds her a lot of Dr. Andrews. His stature, his way of dealing with the residents and his professionalism. Nothing can distract him from his work. He reaches for the patients file and frowns.

“Spine fracture caused by a motorcycle accident. It looks like more than just the spine has been damaged. Browne, what do we have to do?” Every word that comes out of his mouth is steady and concentrated. “Osteosynthesis?”, she asks, and he nods in agreement. “We need to expose the broken bone and stabilize it with a plate. After that we can fix it with screws”, Dr. Warren continues. When he leans slightly over the patient, a strand of black hair falls into his face. Claire flinches. For a moment, she doesn’t see Dr. Warren, she sees _him_. The one whose name she doesn't want to think of, just for one _fucking_ day.

The operation lasted several hours. At home she drops on her old, red, vintage couch and takes a deep breath. When she scrolls through the new candidates' inquiries for the apartment again, a new message pops up. It's from Rachel, her former roommate.

“ _Hey Brownie. I got someone coming over tonight to have a look at my room. He’s a good friend of mine moving here from Denver and he’s interested in renting it. He’s also a doc and I met him at a fundraiser for multiple sclerosis a few months back. Let me know what you think. I’ll come grab the rest of my stuff tomorrow. Love ya!”_

Rachel has been a good friend to her lately. She was the psychologist she missed and the sister she needed. When Claire cried herself to sleep almost every night, it was Rachel who brought her a glass of red wine in the middle of the night and stroked the thoughts of Neil and her old life away from her head. She will definitely miss her. Not even a minute later the doorbell rings and Claire struggles to pull herself up and when she opens the door, her heart cramps as if a tight belt is buckled around it and pulled tight. It’s Jared Kalu.

For a while, both stare at each other without saying a word then Jared takes a step towards her. “I can’t believe it’s you,” he whispers and shakes his head, as if he is trying to wake up from a dream. “Tell me about it,” Claire answers and steps aside to let him enter the apartment. “What are you doing in New York?”

“I got accepted into a resident program. Rachel told me about it. I can’t believe it is you…”, he repeats. Lost, she rubs her hands on her jeans. “It’s a nice apartment”, Jared continues. Claire smiles and leans on the kitchen table. “You can look around if you want”, she tells him, and he nods thankfully and drops his bag next to her. When he walks past her, she can smell his old perfume. It's still exactly the same as it used to be. She walks nervously after him, her hands trembling. _How am I going to explain that to Rachel, please?_

“How have you been?”, he asks. Of course, she won't tell him what has happened since he left. "Fine, and you?” Her words are vague, his eyes catch hers and he frowns. “Oh, you know, Denver was nice. But I need a little more distraction. I need a challenge. When I got the resident position here, I was thrilled. I still can't believe you're here. We have so much to tell each other. I want to know everything about you. How is Shaun doing? And how is our favorite doctor, Melendez, still complaining about the race cards?” Claire flinches and shrugs. She has no need to talk to him or about what happened between him and Melendez before he left.

 _"_ After a perceived hour of room tour without saying a word, Jared grabs his bag and walks to the front door. “It was nice to see you again. I don't know if it is such a good idea if we’d both live here together,” he says. "I'll bring you downstairs. I still have to get the mail anyway,” Claire answers. Once downstairs, he opens his arms and waits for Claire to return his hug. A little stiff and uncertain, she lets herself fall into his arms. His embrace used to make her feel good. In the past, she thought it was the feeling she was always looking for. But now she was looking for something she had only found in one other man's arms. It was no longer the same feeling of security. Jared has become a stranger to her and embracing him like a long-lost friend or lover feels wrong. When he releases her, he brushes a strand of hair behind her ears and Claire flinches.

“I guess we’ll see each other soon. I’ll be working at the Presbytarian Hospital in the City too. Rachel told me her roommate is in the surgical department. I guess we’ll be partners then,” he smiles and turns away, winking at her before he leaves. Claire doesn't know whether to throw up or cry. She wanted to start a new life and now that. It's dark outside and the only light that catches her eye is the bright light of her phone screen, glowing through her pocket. She takes it out and looks at it.

_I know about Park. Please call me._

The world is standing still again but this time, Claire desperately tries to find a firm hold somewhere around her. It feels like she’s getting the second slap in the face within an hour. Someone must have told him. She kept her secret until she quit. She made everyone in her team at St. Bonaventure believe that nothing had happened, nothing with Neil, and nothing with Alex Park. The only person who knows the whole story is Alex, _right_? She stares at the blank lines above her phone keyboard. Of course, she wants to tell Neil everything. She wants to talk to him about it and she wants to finally drop all her fears and leave the past behind her. _Maybe now that he knows the truth, there is a chance for us,_ she starts to think but instantly shakes her head again. _Bullshit._ It was his idea from the start that she should go, and he didn't know about Alex then. He would never get involved with her, even now when they are no longer coworkers. Their whole relationship would be based on a lie. Even with 3000 miles between them, it wouldn't and couldn’t work. What difference does it make, now that Neil knows the truth?

* * *

She doesn’t know whether she should call him. She doesn't know how she will react when she hears his voice. The voice she missed every day for the past three months. She is holding her phone tightly in her hand, waiting for her fingers to push the button. Her breath goes faster and then she takes all her courage together and presses. She wants to hang up before he even answers but she’s to late and after what feels like forever, she finally hears his deep voice.

“Hello?”

“It’s me, Claire,” her voice trembles. On the other side of the line she hears a slight gasp. “I’m glad you called,” he answers. Claire wants to yell at him. She wants an explanation of why he never replied to her after saying goodbye and why he never had the balls to call her. “I should have called you,” he answers her question without hearing her thoughts. Or did she think out loud?

“I tried to call you so many times. You never answered. You never replied to my voice mails. We were friends, Neil. You promised me, we would still be friends. I missed you, _so much_ ”, she whispers, trying to hide her starting to cry.

“I know you did. I didn’t know what to do. You told me you couldn’t tell me in person and I’m telling you now, that I couldn’t tell you at all. I would’ve been the biggest hypocrite.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I couldn’t have let you go.” The words shoot out of him, even he sounded surprised. Claire presses her lips together and tries not to lose her posture. “I thought I made the right decision by telling you to leave for New York. I needed you to be safe and I know you didn’t want to go at first. And when I found out that Alex Park, out of all the people in the world, blackmailed you into going… I didn’t know what to do. Tell me Claire, would you have left, or would you have stayed if Alex would’ve never found out about us?” Neil's voice sounds hopeful.

“I don’t know”, she trembles and sighs.

“Maybe it was a mistake, telling you to go,” he answers and after a few moments of silence he continues. “How is it? How is New York?”

“It’s actually pretty great. I get along with everyone and I was actually starting to feel better until today,” she says, and he chuckles. “I’m sorry,” is the only thing he answers.

“Why did you call me, Neil?”

Silence.

“I didn’t know what else to do. I want you to know the truth and I want you to know that whatever you decide to do, I’ll support you. You didn’t want to leave until Alex Park blackmailed you to, right?”

She sighs. _He is right_ , she probably would have stayed.

“I promise you; I will fix this. And if you decide to come back, I’ll be here. I’m so sorry I let you go through this. I didn’t know it would be so messed up… There is something I have to tell you, Claire.”

_Don’t say it. Not here, not like this._

“Claire, I ….”

“Jared Kalu is here”, she interrupts him and for an instant, she can hear Neil swallow and the clenching of his jaw through the phone. “Jared Kalu is here.” Hearing him repeat her words, with such pain and surprise in his voice, breaks her heart. Whatever he wanted to tell her, whatever she _thinks_ , he wanted to tell her just now, it has to wait.

“What is he doing there?”, he asks.

“He’s part of the resident program. He came to look at my apartment.” Neil is quiet. It is an excruciating silence that has never been there between the two.

“Are you two…?”

“No, Neil. We’re not.” He sighs in relief. “I’ll think about what you said," she continues and before he gets the chance to answer, she hangs up.


	5. guardian angel

Neil was overrun by the moment. Maybe he wanted to tell her what he was feeling before she ran back into Jared's arms. Something in him knows that she feels the same. At least he tries to tell himself that to make him feel better about it. If she decides to come back to San José, he will do anything to make up for his idiotic idea of offering her that job in New York. It's bad enough that she's gone. And now Jared Kalu? Maybe he didn't deserve it any other way. He pushed her away and didn't tell her what he was feeling early enough. It is his own fault that she’s gone. She left to protect herself and her secrets. He can't blame her for that. And should Jared be the one who heals her wounds and fills the gap in her heart that her past created, then so be it. She deserves this second chance more than anyone, if she decides to take it. Although, deep down inside he hopes she doesn’t.

Neil laughs to himself. Who would have thought, a few months back, that he would start to feel something for this woman? Something more than just a platonic friendship. If someone had told him then, he would only have laughed out loud. But now, even if it was doomed from the start, he is certain about that one thing; he is in love with her, completely whipped. She crept up on him and wrapped herself around his heart. He got so used to her beaming presence, it's strange not to have her around. Sometimes he wonders what would have happened between them if they never would have slept together three months ago. Maybe he would never have admitted that he has feelings for her and then she wouldn’t have left. Or maybe it would have happened either way. In any case, he doesn't regret it. Everything makes sense now. Neil reaches for the book Claire gave him months ago for his birthday. A series of poems summarized in one huge read. He flips through the endless pages and lands on page 451. The lower corner is folded in, the quote in the middle is underlined with a pencil. It is as if the page is just waiting to be read.

_'Tis better to have loved and lost_

_Than never to have loved at all._

It is Alfred Tennyson's poem that she has chosen. Neil runs his finger over the words and thinks about what they may have meant to her at that time and if the meaning might have changed if she’d read them now. Reading these lines feels like stone covering his heart. Every word is based on truth and maybe he has to learn to admit it to himself, that if Claire decides to stay in New York, that these are words directed towards him and he has to learn to accept them.

* * *

The night was endless, Neil hardly closed his eyes. His legs drag him only laboriously to the hospital the next day. He is lucky to have asked to work late shift today. He opens the door to his office when Dr. Lim catches up with him.

“Your hand looks better”, she says to him, pointing her chin at his knuckles. He smiles and nods absently, waiting for her to ask what she seems to be holding back. She leans against his office table and crosses her arms. “You don't look good, and you haven’t been for a while now. You must tell me what's going on with you. Otherwise I can't help you.” Neil looks up and catches her worried look. He smiles. He always felt so comfortable with her and he still does. Even if she is not the one love he once saw in her, she still is his best friend. “You need to trust me. I can’t tell you”, he answers and Shaun storms into the room. "The operations center called. There was an earthquake in town. The gala evening in the brewery where Dr. Glassman is seemed to be right in the epicenter. The whole building collapsed. There are already five emergency vehicles on the way back to the ER,” says Shaun. It is the first time that Neil notices Shaun looking worried. Audrey grabs Neil’s shoulder and gasps. “You were supposed to be there. Apparently, you have some guardian angels.” Apparently, he does.

Neil speeds up his pace. One file after the other is held in his face on the way to the emergency room. He calls for Park and Reznik, but nobody seems to be around. He hears Shaun's inattentive footsteps trampling after him. “Any news from Dr. Glassman?”, he asks but Shaun doesn’t answer. When he turns around Shaun shakes his head and runs towards the entrance, where the first ambulance arrives. “Bring all patients who have no life-threatening injuries to the waiting areas. It is an exceptional situation. Then you triage the injuries according to their severity and prepare all operating rooms,” Neil shouts across the ER to get everyone’s attention. When the first patient is driven in, a cold shiver runs down his back. He wonders what would have happened if he hadn't canceled the gala evening. Morgan runs to his side and waits for his command. She frowns and asks: “We didn’t feel the earthquake here, but it seemed to be massive.” Neil nods and takes a deep breath. For a moment he closes his eyes and thinks of Claire. She was always the epitome of inner peace. What would Claire do?

Neil falls wearily on his bed. His hands smell of silicone and blood, his hair is bathed in sweat and every muscle in his legs hurts. The shift lasted almost fifteen hours. It is already bright daylight when he finally snuggles under his covers. He lost four people to that earthquake last night but saved another thirty. Dr. Glassman also made it out in time. He reaches for his cell phone and plugs in the charging cable. At the same time, a message pops up. It's from Claire. Neil's heart leaps when he opens it.

“ _I’ve been thinking, and I decided to stay in New York. I believed you when you said that you would try to protect me from Alex, but I finally found a place here and I think it is the right one. I hope you can understand that. If you ever find yourself in New York, let me know.”_

Neil saw that message coming. Even before he can answer her, his tiredness overwhelms him, and he falls into the land of dreams.

* * *

Nothing has ever hurt her as much as writing this message to him. She doesn't only blame him for what happened. Not at all. It always takes two and she was as guilty as he was. No matter what she feels for him, how strong the urge is to return to him. The easiest thing is to keep going, to finally move on from San José. The constant indecisiveness gives her a headache. She looks forward to what’s coming, even if it is without Neil. She is a strong, independent woman of color who doesn’t need a man in her life to be happy. This is something Rachel would say to her now. Slowly, Claire starts to rebuild that armor that he broke through. It is easier to ward off those kinds of feelings when she is wearing the armor. She can just switch it off. Her heart cramps and she tries to swallow the tears down. Claire reaches for her jacket and goes outside. Night walks have been part of her daily routine since she lived in New York. She strolls past the closed shops and pauses in front of the antique bookshop around the corner. Her gaze falls on an old book by Alfred Tennyson. It is a copy from which she cut her favorite quote in the poetry book she gave to Neil. She laughs at the thought of this crazy coincidence and shakes her head in disbelief. “This is bullshit”, she whispers to herself and moves on. After a while she feels the strict steps of a group of men hurrying after her. Her heart beats faster, memories of the last time come back to her mind. But when the steps catch up with her and Claire stands still, the men run past her without even looking at her. She takes a deep breath and leans against the wall next to her. If she were in San José now, she probably would have called Neil, who would have picked her up without hesitation. _Stop thinking about him,_ he thinks and jogs back to her apartment, _he's not your knight in shining armor_.

At home, she nervously dials Rachel's number. Rachel is always there for her; she can count on her. She always told her everything and she understood. After a long minute of silence Rachel continues.

“You haven't thought of anyone else since you've been here. Maybe it's time for you to distract yourself with something new. Or with someone.” At the thought of being with someone else, Claire shivers.

“Rachel, you’ve always been that conscience telling me that I don’t need a man to be happy.”

“I’m not telling you to marry someone. Just get a little distraction. You’re fucking hot. You can get anyone you want for sure”, Rachel teases her. Claire laughs and shakes her head. “I’m not in the mood to just jump in bed with a stranger,” she goes.

“Who says it has to be a stranger? Jared told me; you guys have history together. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me right away! I think he’s into you,” Rachel giggles. Claire doesn't answer that. The thought that something could happen with Jared again doesn't feel right. Not after everything that has happened in the past between them.

“I’m just fucking with you. Listen, babe. Try to build up a wall as much as you like. You love this guy in San José and you probably won’t stop loving him if you tried. Just tell him. You don’t have to go back to him but maybe he comes back to you?”

“It’s over between us. I told him that. There is no going back now,” Claire sighs. “Your inner, hopeless romantic wants him to follow you anyways. I know you well enough now, Claire,” Rachel titters. She smiles, but Rachel can't see it of course. “He wouldn’t do that. He’s too stubborn,” Claire concluded. When she hangs up, she takes a deep breath. And suddenly a little spark of hope tries to break through her armor. The thought that Neil might come to New York to find her is insane. Even if she tries to suppress it, maybe that's exactly what she hopes for.

She is a strong, independent woman of color who doesn’t need a man in her life to be happy. But maybe he's not just _some_ man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my fellow melendaire shippers. I am still in shock about that finale and I hug you all so tight. Writing this story has always been a way for me to feel closer to that ship and since last episode, i feel the strong need of making right what David Shore has done wrong. I am planning on continuing this story as long as I feel like it is right. Maybe sometimes it takes longer for me to finish a chapter. And especially after last episode, I decided to go another route than what I planned originally. I hope this story will comfort you in some ways. So hang in there. As Neil would say: We are going to be okay.


	6. the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at her door

Claire takes a deep breath. Her hands are calm and steady, she holds them up so that the disinfectant does not touch any other surface before she deals with the patient. Her gaze falls on the donor kidney, which is prepared on a tray on her left. It is the first time that she’s allowed to be involved in a kidney transplant. Until now, she was only allowed to practice such operations on laboratory rats. Jared faces her and smiles at her. She can't see his mouth under the mask, but his eyes shine kindly. The head doctor nods in agreement with the staff to start the surgery. Time goes fast, the attending surgeon exposes the recipient's pelvic vein and pelvic artery and connects them with the kidney artery and vein of the donor organ. He connects the ureter of the new organ to the bladder. At the end of the transplant, he puts a drainage tube and they begin to close the body again.

Claire presses her tousled curls flat and enters the patient room, Jared runs after her to catch up. He grabs the patient file in her hand and sits on the edge of the patient bed. Before Claire can protest, Jared turns to the patient. “From now on, immunosuppressed patients like you should only drink low-fat milk to save calories and absorb less cholesterol. Unpasteurized milk or milk products should be avoided due to the bacterial load. Alcohol should be avoided entirely. Alcohol is very high in calories and, in addition to the medication administered, damages the liver. If, due to the alcohol load, the latter can no longer metabolize the immunosuppressive medication properly, this can lead to a rejection reaction or serious side effects of the medication. Do you understand so far?”, he asks. Tired and a little confused, the patient nods to the two of them. “I think what Dr. Kalu is trying to tell you is, that you should switch to water for a while so your body can recover,” Claire tells him and continues: “you need to rest for a while, and our attending will be with you tomorrow to discuss more details.” She smiles, gently squeezes the patient's lower leg and walks away, Jared following her every step. Annoyed, she turns to him in the hallway. “What the hell are you doing?”, she asks firmly. “I’m trying to learn!”, he says, acting innocent as always. Her heart leaps, her fingertips tickle. For a second, she feels drawn to him.

Jared smirks. “You've been ignoring me for weeks. Come on Claire, it can't go on like this. Just a drink, then you're rid of me forever.” _Oh, what the hell! “_ Okay. One drink and then you shut up. Meet me at Joy’s Bar tonight at 8. And don’t be late. I don’t like being stood up”, she agrees.

“It’s a date then,” Jared smiles as he walks off. Claire shakes her head, and before he turns away, she flips him off playfully.

* * *

She purposely put on the t-shirt that she hasn't washed or ironed in a week. There's no need to impress Jared in any way. Her curls fall loosely over her shoulder, her tanned cheek shines from the blush. Claire opens the door to the bar when she discovers Jared waiting at the counter. The bar smells of sweat and rum and she instantly remembers the _one night_. Jared embraces her in his arms and his strong aftershave runs through her nose. She tries hard not to cough and slips on the bar stool.

“We have hardly spoken a word to each other since visiting the apartment a few weeks ago,” Jared starts the conversation. Claire nods and looks down. "It's not so easy for me to see you again, let alone working with you,” she admits. He gently tries to grab her thigh, but she flinches and pulls it away. "Why did you come to New York? You always loved San José so much." Jared is right. San José is and remains her true home forever. Even if there is nothing left for her there. She shrugs. “The possibility arose just like that”, she answers vaguely. He laughs and shakes his head. “You have always been a bad liar.” He still knows her too well. The evening flies by. From minute to minute, she can relax more and open up more to him. He tells of his time in Denver, Claire of the last years in San José. She deftly avoids the Neil-Story, of course.

“I missed you,” Jared whispers as he leans towards her ear. He brushes one of her curls behind her ears and looks her in the eyes. Embarrassed, Claire turns her head to the side, and he leans back.

“Was there any guy you dated after me? I mean not just flings; I’m talking the real deal.”

“Are you asking if I ever was in love with anyone else?”, Claire asks and Jared shrugs. “Have you?”

_Yes._ “No.”

“Who is he?”, he asks without looking at her. _How does he do that?_ “It doesn’t matter. Let’s go home,” she says and gets up. He doesn't push ahead and follows her outside. Her lips are trembling. Who would have thought that after so many weeks and months, Neil is still circling in her mind? The way home is not long. Claire and Jared dawdle next to each other in silent silence. She notices how he is constantly trying to find the right words, but always holding back in the last second. She points to her front door and tries to smile awkwardly. Her eyes wander back and forth. She can't look him in the eye. “Look, I don’t want to give you any false hope,” she admits to him honestly. He nods and smirks. “I didn’t come here to be your boyfriend,” he reassures her and takes a step closer. “How about we just continue where we ended it all this time ago?” His voice is deep, and his breath tickles her ears. “You mean, just something casual?” His answer is a firm nod and he pulls her close, pressing his lips against her. Even if it feels right at first, every fiber in her body resists. She holds her breath and pulls away from him. It is no longer the same as it used to be. She is no longer the same person. Jared flinches as slow, strange steps approach the two behind the street. Claire's body tenses as she faces the man who surprised them. Jared frowns and laughs in disbelief. “Dr. Melendez?”

Claire cannot breathe. Her entire throat is tied up. It is only a dream. He's not really here. It is absolutely impossible. She stares desperately into Neil's face, which is just as shocked and wordless as hers probably is. Neil glances confused between her and Jared. Claire presses her fingers against her temple and closes her eyes. If she opens her eyes again, he will definitely be gone. But when she opens them, he is still there. Neil’s look is desperate. She wants to fall into his arms, she wants to smell him, kiss him and tell him how much she missed him. But she can’t.

* * *

Neil can't remember when he decided to go after her. But one thing is as clear to him as nothing else; he loves her. He would not describe himself as a hopeless romantic at all. He can't explain what this woman did to him. All he knows is that, for Claire Browne, he would travel to the end of the world. Hiding his feelings did more harm than help. Sleepless nights, lies and the constant fear of doing something wrong. It is the first time since working in San José that Neil has taken unpaid leave indefinitely. His job is his life. His work was his life until someone took that place. He flies across the country. He cannot relax a bit during the whole flight, those 3000 miles. He didn't choose a special hotel to stay in. The head of the assistant program gave him the address of her apartment. The apartments are provided by the hospital she works at. He just booked a room at the first hotel that was closest to her street.

Unconsciously, Neil tugs at the lint of his coat. He has been staring at his reflection for several minutes, actually ready to leave long ago. He notices how serious his expression is, _has it always been so serious?_ He stretches his head to the side, tries to relax and regulate his breath. He has rarely been so nervous. _I can’t believe you are doing this;_ he thinks to himself. Nervously, he slaps his hand on his cheeks. He shakes himself again and then leaves his room.

Every step to Claire’s apartment feels like a magnet is pulling him towards her, closer to her. Lost in thought, he wonders what she might look like today. Neil's mouth turns into a smile as he thinks of her beautiful brown curls and her soft, rosy cheeks. He can't wait to finally be able to touch her again. Only a few more steps, then he has arrived. He's eyes narrow to better see into the distance. His gaze falls on the two figures talking at the front door. From behind he recognizes the long, tousled hair that is blown around by the wind. Neil’s heart is racing, his hands, which he has put in his pockets, are sweating. He can hear her voice. The familiar, warm voice that he missed so much. It is Claire and she is standing at her front door with … Jared Kalu?

Jared leans forward and holds Claire close. His lips touch hers and Neil stops short. He wants to call for her, but his words are being suffocated. His stiffness was noticed, and Claire turns to look at him. He drowns in her eyes and trembles. He wants to say something, but his thoughts go crazy. He flew thousands of miles looking for her only to find her in Jared Kalu’s arms. His chest, his whole body feels like he's stabbed by hundreds of knives. It is a slap in the face that hardly brings him back to reality. Claire breaks away from Jared and takes a step towards Neil. He doesn't look at the man who just kissed the woman he loves. Claire’s voice trembles. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to find you,” he answers. Neil clears his throat and steps back, a bit away from her. He notices her hesitation. She is not sure how to greet him. He wants to run towards her, hug her, and lift her up. Like a thousand fires burning in him just to touch her. But in the moment, he feels just as lost as she does. “Someone enlighten me, please?” Jared’s voice breaks him out of his thoughts. The thought that Jared Kalu has already managed to wrap Claire around his finger disgusts Neil. He brushes past Claire and pulls him up by his collar, shoving him against the wall but Claire storms at them and pulls Neil back. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”, she shouts and both men look at her in surprise. Jared's confusion is written on his face.

“You can’t just come here and start a fight!”, Claire orders.

Neil’s breath calms down and he clenches his jaw. At the moment, he doesn't care that Jared Kalu is standing next to her. It is not for nothing that he has traveled so far. His trip home would not happen until he could tell her what he was feeling.

“Why do you think I am here, Claire? Huh?”, he shouts at her. He doesn't want to tick. But he can't hold back his anger and his disappointment. “Definitely not to see you fucking kiss Jared Kalu, that’s for sure!”

“You have no right to tell me who I should see and who I shouldn’t. Also, why would you even care if …”

“Because I love you, Claire!”, Neil shouts. The words echo through the empty streets in the cold, deserted night. The silence between the three is unbearable. Neil sniffs and turns away. He walks back and forth, his arms crossed behind his head. Jared leans against the wall and listens to the wordless conversation. Neil's eyes fall on Claire, her face is expressionless. She takes a deep breath and takes a step towards him. He raises his head and the two stare at each other for an endless minute. When she finally reaches for his hand, his whole body relaxes. Her hand still feels as soft and warm as he remembers. “We can’t talk about this now,” she whispers and smiles at him reassuringly. “Because of him,” he answers, shaking his head in disbelief and she nods.

“Will you wait for me, tomorrow?”, she asks.

“Of course. Always.”


	7. all's well that ends well

Since yesterday, Claire’s heart feels like it would never stop racing again. Never in her life would she have thought that he would follow her, let alone that he actually loves her. Neil Melendez, her arrogant, selfish, and cold attending, loves her. She loves him too, no question. Her heart tells her to forget everything that has happened and to go with him. But is it the right thing to go back to San José, back to her old life? Right now, that she finally forgot all the old stories. And what would Alex Park do if she came back hand in hand with Melendez? Would it really be a relationship that she wants to have if she has to hide it all her life? Would it be worth it?

Jared snaps Claire out of her thoughts. She tried to avoid him all day because she doesn’t know how to explain it to him. Especially since yesterday, she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. Not surprisingly, he still has feelings for her. The two had an intense time together before he moved to Denver. If she hadn't seen Neil anymore, who knows what would have happened between them in the future.

“Earth to Claire?”, he says, wiggling around with his hands before her face.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re avoiding me.” He seems disappointed.

“I’m not avoiding you.” She is.

“I didn’t know you and Melendez were a thing.” Jared seems surprised but doesn’t seem like he is judging her. He looks at her expectantly, as if waiting for her to tell him the full story. Claire nods and gently squeezes his arm. “We have patients to see,” she avoids. She turns around and writes her name on the operating board to assist with an operation as soon as possible. This is the only way to avoid the whole discussion. She signed up for the long shift. Maybe she’s trying to avoid a confrontation with Neil. It’s not that she doesn't want to talk to him, she just doesn't know what to say. She was never good at talking about her feelings. Dr. Warren storms by and stops right after he passes Claire and Jared. “You two. I need you in the OR now, we’ve got a diverticulitis.” Jared glances at Claire, nods, and follows Dr. Warren in the operating room. Dr. Warren points to Jared and waits for a summary. “Uhm… Sigma section. The sigma is the section of the large intestine before the rectum. Since the pressure of bowel movements on the intestine is highest in this section, most diverticula develop there. The Sigma also removes a small part of the rectum. Since diverticula can also sit in other parts of the intestine, it is usually not possible to remove all diverticula.” He rattles it off as if he has memorized it. Jared has always been smart and attentive, “… then the ends of the intestine are sewn together again,” he finishes. Claire listens to him carefully and observes his gestures, his facial expressions. He looks serious and focused; his muscles are tense. In some way he reminds her of Neil. From the outside he looks cool and unapproachable. But deep inside he has a soft core that only wants to be loved. The operation took a long time, Claire was always focused and tried not to get distracted. Neil must have been waiting for her for hours. Maybe he's already gone because he thinks she won't come. Just as she is about to storm out of the main entrance of the hospital, Jared grabs her by the arm. She flinches and looks into his desperate eyes.

“You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into, Claire,” he warns her.

“I know what I’m doing.”

“No, you don’t. What do you think will happen if you go back to San José with him as your _boyfriend?_ This cannot work.”

“And you think we will?” The words hit him right in the heart. She can see in his eyes how hurt he is. “I thought we could, yes,” he answers, his voice trembling.

“I love him, Jared.” She tries to give him a sympathetic smile but he turns away and walks off. Claire desperately wants to run after him and apologize, but every other fiber in her body is telling her to turn away and go see Neil, so she does. She writes him a text message that she is on the way back to his hotel. Her fingers are trembling, she can feel her heart pounding through her chest. Her whole body tingles and somehow gravity pulls her towards him faster and faster until she’s running. The cold air drifts past her face in the dark and with every step she runs, she gets closer to him. She has already decided what she really wants. And she's had it since the first time she kissed him.

* * *

Neil bobs his feet up and down. He stands outside his hotel and waits for her to come back and talk. After yesterday, he is not sure what she would say to him. Perhaps it was stupid and hasty to go after her. He rubs his cold hands together when he hears quick steps running towards him. Before he could concentrate that it was _her_ who ran towards him, Claire falls into his arms. She clings to his neck as if she would collapse, presses her face against his shoulder and exhales deeply. Perplexed, he stands there, but then he relaxes and presses his arms around her body. He bounces back and forth slightly. It's hard to believe that he is finally holding her in his arms. The hug warms him up completely and he lifts her up for a moment so that he can enjoy every single moment and every single touch with her. Neil hears her sobbing on his shoulder and reluctantly he lets go of her to cup her face in his hands. With his thumb he strokes the single tear from her cheek, then leans forward and kisses her. The kiss is gentle, reserved and yet longing. His hand reaches for her tousled locks, he wraps one around his finger and kisses her again. This time longer, more intense, and more passionate. How long has he been waiting for this moment? The kiss ends, but his eyes remain closed. He pauses, tries to burn the moment in his memory and never let go.

“I’m so sorry, Neil. I should have told you. I should have stayed. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so scared. Scared that anyone could find out about us, that our career could be jeopardized. What do we have, if we don’t have our jobs, Neil?” She looks at her feet and tears run down her cheek. He knows that it takes a lot of effort for her to talk about her feelings.

“We have each other. We’ll figure it out together. Alex Park can get his ending if he wants. I will protect you, no matter what it takes.”

“I can’t ask this of you.”

“I love you,” he lifts her chin up with his finger so that she looks at him through her tear-filled eyes, “and I want to be with you. Everything else is secondary.” And he means that.

“Your job is your life, Neil.” Claire shakes her head in disbelief.

“I guess I found something more worth living for,” he smiles and strokes a curl behind her ears.

* * *

He still smells as good as she remembers him. Neil kisses her breast, her belly button, her thighs, like he’s trying to hold the memory of that moment with his lips. Their hands clasp and her head bends backwards with every moan she lets out in pleasure. As he slowly enters her, she finds her herself carried away into ecstasy, finally being able to let go completely. Every thrust makes her cry out, her fingers cling to his back. She genuinely enjoys every second she's with him. Every second he touches her, kisses her, and loves her. He looks up and kisses her hungrily as he comes inside her and they climax together. He lets himself fall on her, she feels the throb between her legs and his arousal presses against her stomach. Her fingers slide over his tattoo on his neck and she smiles.

“What do they mean?”, she whispers into his ears, kissing his earlobes gently. He rolls next to her and takes an exhausted breath. With the back of his hand he wipes the sweat from his forehead.

“They’re a reminder that not even a good career can change where you come from,” he mysteriously answers and looks away. She snuggles up to him and caresses his chest.

“They’re way too much antler if you ask me,” she grins and feels his chest go up and down as he laughs. Of course, it would interest her where he came from. He has always kept a big secret about his past. But she doesn't want to push him to tell her anything he doesn’t feel comfortable to. He gently caresses her breast, his fingertips circling her nipples. Claire bites her lip and squeezes her legs together to hide her wetness.

“What are we going to do when we get back?”, she asks him but he just shrugs.

“We have to tell them, or at least Dr. Lim. We can’t keep this a secret forever,” Claire continues. “I don’t think Dr. Lim would appreciate that kind of honesty,” Neil answers. He once told Audrey, that nothing inappropriate is going on between him and Claire. Claire sits up and turns on his upper body while kissing his neck. She slowly circles her hips until she feels his erection between her legs. “Let us worry about it tomorrow,” she whispers in his ear and moans. This time she is in control and Neil is enjoying every second. He grips her behind and moves his hips at the same time as hers. He looks up and watches her. Claire’s damp hair falls down her shoulder, her full, delicious lips form an O and she moans in pleasure, keeping her eyes closed to digest every moment. She sure looks like a goddess with her golden, flawless skin and she gives herself to him completely. Her cheeks are flushed and her hands cling to her breasts. Neil put his hands on hers to take over and he cups them gently. He wants to come inside her again and again, feel and taste her, just so that this moment never passes and they never have to leave this hotel room. Claire leans down and kisses him. “I love you, too,” she whispers. He smiles and lovingly kisses the three birthmarks on her neckline and her chest.

He watched her sleep all night. When the morning light slowly shines through the closed windows and illuminates the fine freckles on the face, it warms his heart. She smiles in her sleep, and he wonders what she is dreaming of. She is so incredibly beautiful that every time he looks at her, he almost turns speechless. And now she belongs to him and nothing and nobody can change that. He will not allow that. The thought that they will soon have to leave this fantasy world, burst the bubble, and return to reality, makes him feel sick. He wishes it to be easier, but she is right. They have to tell someone, otherwise they would be living a lie.

And many years ago he swore to himself to never live a lie again.


	8. 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: abuse / domestic violence
> 
> If you or anyone you know are looking for help, do not be afraid to ask for it.
> 
> https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/  
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines

“You… want to be a doctor?” His father looks puzzled. His gaze alternates between Neil and his mother, then he bursts out laughing. "Is that supposed to be a joke? You will take over your grandfather's shop. There is nothing to discuss,” he continues. Neil stares at his lap, looking into his father's eyes would annoy him too much. Neil’s mother glances at his father and puts her hand on his. “ _Mi chico_ , where does this change of mind come from?”, she asks.

“It’s not a chance of mind, mama. I got a 4.2 GPA, I can do it. I’ve wanted this for so long.”

“And where do you think you’ll get the money for this?” His father's gaze turns to stone, he looks angry and tense. It had been clear since he was a little boy that he should one day take over his grandfather's gas station shop. Neil always knew he was meant for bigger things than that. His mother's desperate look hurts him, but it is time to think about himself for once. Being accepted into John Hopkins University, leaving this god forsaken town and going far away – that is what he wants, even if it means, leaving his mother and sister behind for a while. Leaving his father does not hurt him. All he ever did was cause pain and fear in his life.

“ _¡Responde a tu madre!”_ , his father tears him from his thoughts, but the only thing Neil does, is shrug his shoulders.

“You know we only want the best for you, but we can’t afford this,” she sighs, and tears rise to her eyes. She dabs them with a handkerchief and then gets up to clean up the dishes. “The nursing home for Gabrielle is costing us every cent. It is best if you take over the gas station. We can't wait years for income.”

“ _Eres tan tonto como un poste_. You would never make it as a doctor,” his father laughs at him. Neil clenches his hand into a fist and breathes deeply. Since Gabrielle's accident, he's always got the short end of the stick. Of course, he loves his sister more than anything, the accident was a tragedy. But it is time to take things into his own hands and not to dance to his parents' tune anymore, even if it will cost him everything. Soon he will be an adult, then he will pack his bags and never dare to look back to San José again.

Neil throws himself on his bed and opens his mobile phone to dial his girlfriend’s number. He has been dating Jessica Preston since his fifteenth birthday. She is beautiful, rich and smart and wants to be a doctor one day, just like him. “Hey babe, what do you say we sneak out tonight and have some fun?”, he asks, and he hears her quirky laugh at the end of the line. “What do you have in mind, handsome?”, she answers and Neil smirks at the thought of his intentions.

* * *

“You want to do what now?” Jessica stares bewildered at the flashing entrance sign of the tattoo parlor. Neil nods in excitement and gives her a quick kiss. “If we’re going to get married one day, you need to think about this first,” Jessica tells him off sarcastically, “I don’t even think they’ll let us in, we’re minors,” she continues. “Let’s try then,” Neil says. They open the door hand in hand. The bell rings and the tattooist lifts his head out from behind the counter. He seems a bit tense and insecure and tends to look at the two from top to bottom, struggling to find out whether or not they are eighteen yet.

“Anything you like?”, the man asks Neil as he notices him flipping through the folder full of pictures. “I know exactly what I want,” Neil answers. The pain is bearable, time flies by. Jessica holds his hand all the time, kisses his tense fist every now and then and speaks encouraging words to him. The tattooist strokes the remaining ink from Neil's shoulder one last time and then leans back. The majestic antlers of the deer sprout from his chest up to his shoulder, the piercing eyes of the deer captivate him and leave him speechless as he looks at himself in the mirror. Jessica tilts her head and frowns. “Why a deer?”, she asks.

The deer has a lot of meaning to him. On one side it is his mother, who was always there for him and his sister, stood protectively in front of her husband when he raised his fist after him, worked tirelessly while his father slept on the couch, still drunk from the evening before. She is the deer, the shiny eyes and the love that they radiate. The left antler is the inner peace, the friendliness of this animal, the mercy that he never received from his father, but one day he wants to give to his children. The right antler, strength and perseverance. The willpower to go his own way and never look back on his past.

* * *

Jessica and Neil lie on the back of his truck on a blanket and watch the stars. She runs her fingertip over his arm and snuggles up to him. “My father said he’d help you… with college I mean. He’ll pay for it,” she whispers, kissing his cheek.

“I didn’t ask for this.”

“I know you don’t like to admit that you need help. But I want this for us. I want us to go to college together, to work at the same hospital one day. We can do great things together.”

In the darkness, Neil presses his lips together. The thought of the future frightens him. What if his plan to become a doctor never works? It is the hope of a stable life, the possibility of saving human lives. He wants to be independent, not rely on his girlfriend's money. They both do not have the same vision of the future. The balance between career and love, career and family. There is only one thing he would give up his dream for as a doctor, and that is his family and love. He knows that Jessica would do anything to be successful. Even if it means leaving her life with him at the end. He knows her too well.

“Do you really think we can do this together?”, he asks her, she sighs deeply and changes the subject.

“I think you will regret your tattoo one day. Not only is it super visible under your shirt, but you will not be able to run from your past. It will be a constant reminder of your life here and now until the day you die, and you won’t be able to do anything about it.” Maybe she is right, maybe not.

“How do you think you will die?”, he asks in curiosity and covers her with a woolen blanket. She shrugs and smirks. “I want to go out with a bang at least,” she answers. “And you?”

“It doesn’t matter. As long as I get to be with the woman I love.”

“Aw, with me then?” Neil thinks for a moment and nods. He does not know if it is the truth. But it is the only thing that makes sense to him right now and she is the only one he can hold on to. Who knows what will happen to them in a few years? Jessica has it all planned out. Successful in a million-dollar mansion, without children but lots of dogs and cats. Neil always wanted kids. But that is a discussion with her for later.

Neil has always imagined what it is like to love unconditionally and irrevocably. He's not sure if he found it in Jessica. Love for him means tearing down walls and jumping over hurdles together. To follow each other to the end of the world and to dare to take the leap into the unknown together. To love someone so much that you would give up everything to be with that person. That's what he wants. Would she go this far for him? He hopes to feel it one day.

* * *

Quietly, Neil tries to lock the door behind him, but the lights turn on and his father stands right in front him, just waiting for him to mess up.

“Where have you been, _¡Idiota!_ ”

Neil tries to walk past him, but his father pushes him back with his shoulder. He hits him on the head with the palm of his hand and holds it on his wrist, Neil flinches in pain.

“You’ve been messing around with the white girl again. Have you learned nothing from your father?”

“Leave me alone.”

“Don’t you dare speak to your father like that!” Neil does not notice how he falls to the ground. It is all happening too fast. The only thing he feels is the warm blood rushing from his forehead across his cheek. Before he can pull himself up, he is pushed back onto the stairs, this time the hard sole of a boot presses on his back. His gaze becomes blurred and a loud beeping noise hums in his ears. Dazed, he hears his mother's screams and a dull thud as his father pushes her to the ground. Neil tries to get on his feet and leans against the banister. He looks at the painfully distorted face of his mother and his father, who has sat on her and tied his hands around her neck. Her face turns red, then blue, then purple. Neil throws himself trembling and full of strength on his father, who falls to the side. He sits on him and his fist rams his face. Once, twice, three times until he has closed his eyes and holds his hands in front of his face. Neil breathes heavily as he throws himself backwards. His mother rolls herself up and runs crying into the kitchen to call the ambulance. His father lies on the floor. _Did he just kill him?_ A short moment later his father gasps for breath and writhes to the side in pain.

“I should have killed you,” the old man mumbles, spitting up the blood on the floor. “You are nothing but a disgrace to this family. Pack your bags and get out, and never come back again.”

Neil's eyes fill with tears. There is no way he's gonna cry in front of his father. “My whole life, I have done what you asked of me. I gave up everything for Gabrielle, I worked overtime at the gas station every day. I took every damn beating you ever gave me and never said a word. I lived a life that wasn't mine. I lived your life. I lived the life you picked out for me. I don’t want to live this lie anymore. Not here, not like this, _padre._ ”

His mother stands on the doorstep of the kitchen and wipes away her tears. She nods and retreats without saying a word. Neil storms into his room and grabs his gym bag. Wildly he staggers through the room looking for clothes and objects that he can collect in no time. Not a second longer he wants to stay in this hellhole. Again, and again he touches his forehead. He pulls his white shirt, dipped in blood, over his head and ties it around the wound like a bandana. His blood-crusted dark hair hangs over his forehead over his swollen eyes. He keeps trying to call Jessica, but she won't pick up. So, he throws the bag over his shoulders and storms outside without even looking back. Even if it tears him apart to leave his mother behind, it is the right time to leave the past behind and start a new life. His cell phone rings, and he flips it open.

“What’s up?”, Jessica asks. He tells her everything, no detail left out.

“I’m so sorry this happened to you, babe.”

“Are you coming with me?”

“I’m sorry… Neil… I really want to, and I will… but right now it’s just…”

“It’s okay, I get it.” Even before she can answer him, he hangs up and throws his phone back in his bag. He shakes his head. He already suspected that when the going gets tough, Jessica won't have the courage to follow him. Whatever will become of them in the future, now he has to concentrate on himself and become the person he wants to be.

Even if it's a rocky road to the top.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr: melendaires


	9. whispers of goodbyes and new beginnings

Claire and Neil are sitting on a bench not far from the hospital where she handed in her notice a few hours ago. He gently strokes her arm, but she just stares into the distance and seems to be absent. Perhaps he reacted too hastily, perhaps they both decided too hastily.

“I didn’t want to pressure you into doing something you don’t want,” he softly tells her. She gives him a dull smile, resting her head on his shoulder.

“You didn’t. I want to go back with you. I miss San José so much. But I've made friends here. I would have made a life for myself here if you hadn't come to me.”

“A life with Jared Kalu?” Their eyes meet for a brief moment, but Claire is overcome with shame and drifts away. Neil has not forgotten what he saw when he came to New York to find her. She was in his arms, they were kissing. He doesn’t doubt her love for him. But Jared and she have a history together. He understands that she can't completely ignore it.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” she continues, clearly she doesn’t feel comfortable telling him about it. “Do you love him?”, he asks her and there’s a long pause before she takes a deep breath. “I care about him-“, she starts and turns to look back at Neil, “- but I love you. What happened between Jared and I was me trying to forget how much I missed you.” Neil nods and pulls her closer into his arms. His chin rests on her head and he closes his eyes to take in that moment. It's moments like these that he won’t forget. Humans remember touches, smells and the warm skin of the one they love. So, even if the images disappear from his memory one day, he will remember the _feeling_ of her in his arms for the rest of his life.

“We still have a whole day before we fly back. What would you like to do?”, she asks him. “What is there to see? You’ve been here longer than I ever have. Is there a place you like?”, he asks in return. Claire thinks for a moment, then she beams from ear to ear and grabs his hand as she jumps up. The two walk through the busy city and the impressions leave Neil speechless. Endlessly high skyscrapers, people run thoughtlessly across the street, through the alleys, as if it were the last day of their lives and they had to hurry to go back to wherever they come from. They forget the surroundings; they don't enjoy the moment. Claire walks faster, she seems to know the way by heart. As they walk through the entrance of Grand Central Station, Neil holds his breath briefly. A breathtaking architecture in the city that never sleeps and suddenly he feels like the little boy from the street again. She pulls him further through the main terminal and stops under a large archway.

“You need to stand on one end and I’ll stand on the other, okay?”, she instructs him. He follows her instructions without comment and stands at the end of the huge stone arch. He watches as Claire puts her lips against the wall at the other end and whispers something. Her voice echoes through the hall and he can actually hear her. She has whispered that she loves him and it feels like a loud echo that belongs only to him. “What is that?”, he asks and laughs with surprise.

“It's called the whispering gallery. You whisper into the wall on one side and I can hear it on the other. I've read that some marriage proposals have been made this way.” Claire blushes and lowers her eyes. Neil smiles and puts his head against the wall. “I love you too”, he whispers. She comes up to him, puts her arms around his neck and kisses him. His whole body catches fire and he wraps her closer to him. Side by side they slide down the wall and sit on the floor. Their fingers are intertwined, they enjoy the company.

“Why did you bring me here? Why this place?”

Claire shrugs. “I like to go places to think and observe. Just being here, listening to music and watch people kind of relaxes me, you know? Sometimes I observe the most beautiful confessions of love here. Sometimes people whisper their wishes and dreams into the arch as if waiting for God or someone on the other side to answer. For some it's a confessional, for others it's pure fun. But for each one, the words mean something in some way. I've never whispered anything, you know? I've never wanted to say words that meant so much to me that I wanted to get rid of them here.”

But she has decided to tell him that she loves him. Her heart knew that these would be the first and only words she echoed through the arches.

“Have you thought about working in my department again when we go back?”, Neil asks and Claire nods. “I thought about it. I think it would be too conspicuous if we worked separately. I want to go back to your place. I miss Shaun too,” she laughs. “There's a lot to come down on us if we tell Audrey,” Neil says. “Sooner or later everyone will know. And whatever Alex Park has planned, we'll get through it together,” Claire answers. “It’s not just Alex Park. Morgan knows about it too. We need to talk to them. They will try anything to get rid of you. I won’t let that happen,” Neil promises her. Claire nods and smiles reassuringly. “I really thought Morgan was my friend,” she says.

* * *

Claire has discussed with Neil that she wants to talk to Jared before she leaves. She doesn't think it's right to just ditch him. She runs through the bright halls of the hospital, the unpleasant smell of latex and disinfectant wafts through her nose. She's definitely going to miss New York. Jared's waiting for her at the café. She can't read his eyes. He's always been good at giving a poker face. The awkward moment comes up when neither of them knows how to greet the other, so they just sit down face to face.

“So, I quit”, she begins.

“I heard. I can’t believe you’re dating Melendez. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Honestly, I was scared. I thought if I gave in to my feelings, him and I would both lose everything. Our careers…”

“In what world do you live? Who cares if the attending's dating the intern? You're so smart, Claire. You can't let it get you down. I know I told you it couldn't work. I just said that but I didn't even mean it in the moment. I'm just surprised you've got this tough nut to crack. Who knew Dr. Melendez actually had feelings.” Claire smiles at his words.

“We were threatened. Neil is incredibly professional. I don't think people are going to take it lying down. There's already been a complaint that he favours me.”

“Then fight. You're the strongest person I know. You've been through so much. This thing can't be a rock in your way.” Jared puts his hand on hers and they look at each other. She reaches for his and he caresses her thumb with his. “I’m sorry for stringing you alone. You’ve been nothing but good to me…,” she tells him.

“I love you, Claire, you know that. I want you to be happy, even if it is with Dr. Wannabe.”

“I am happy”, she confirms and gets up to give him a hug and suddenly it's not awkward anymore.

* * *

Claire sits on her suitcase to close it. Strangely enough, her clothing collection has doubled. Rachel sorts Claire’s shoes and throws the old, ugly ones in one pile and the usable ones on the other. Neil's sleeping in the next room, it's been a tough week for him. To drop everything, travel to New York, confess his love and then stroll through the city all week. Not to mention hardly sleeping because they were incredibly busy catching up with where they left off in San José. Claire is grateful to Rachel for helping her empty the apartment. Leaving her behind will be the hardest part of this whole thing.

“I still can’t believe he actually came. You’re so lucky,” Rachel whispers to not wake Neil up.

“I know.”

“And he’s a doctor too!”

“A really good one, I may add.”

“You may. I’m so jealous, Brownie. You get to work side by side with him, you get to do what you love most with who you love most.”

“I learned so much from him. He has been such a great mentor and friend to me before everything happened between us. Deep inside he has the greatest and most passionate compassion for patients but still he isn’t afraid of doing what has to be done, even if it’s unconventional. He's an incredible doctor. I think that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him.” Rachel folds up jackets and listens carefully.

“That does sound like someone who’s right for you. You’re the same, Brownie. You find solutions to puzzles that seem unsolvable. You are not afraid to jump over your shadow and cross the line when it means saving someone's life. And in the end you won and are admired,” Rachel tells her.

“Yet I know so little about him, about his past. He is very secretive. I hope he opens his heart completely to me.”

“How long did it take you to break down your walls, Claire? Give him time. I’m sure if he loves you as much as I think he does; his walls will break down too.” Rachel's words hit Claire. She's absolutely right. He gave her all the time in the world, so she will give it to him. In the background the quiet melody of Snow Patrol's _New York_ sounds from the radio. The rain splashes on the old windows and darkness slowly falls. Rachel puts her coffee cup on the cleared counter and throws on her raincoat.

“It’s time to say goodbye,” she says regretfully. Claire wraps her arms around Rachel and presses her firmly against her.

“I’ll miss you so much. Thank you for everything,” Claire says under her breath. Rachel brushes away a tear and kisses Claire on the cheek. “I’ll miss you too, Brownie. Call me when you get there.”

Then Rachel closes the door behind her and Claire stands alone in the dark with nothing but the sound of raindrops on her window and Neil's faint breath echoing through the empty apartment.


	10. won't back down

Neil and Claire are jogging alongside each other. They pass the hospital in San José for the third time already. Again, and again Claire hesitates to stop and go inside. She's having a hard time facing the others, especially Morgan and Alex. Neil wants to put his hand on her hip in front of the entrance, but Claire shrugs back. She’s still not used to being at his side in San José. The fear of the reactions is still there, although she tries to resist it. “We don’t have to hide,” he reassures her, and she tries to suppress her inner monologue of You-Shouldn’t-Be-Doing-This-Here. She wants to believe in his promise that he will take care of it if anyone tries to turn against her. “We have to go inside now, our shift is starting soon,” Neil continues.

The feeling of everyone staring at her makes Claire feel insecure. She thought it would be easier. What will everyone think of her? The brown girl who doesn't stand a chance in hell of getting a higher position anyway, so she's trying to sleep her way to the top. They stop outside Audrey Lim's office. Claire wipes her sweaty hands on her leggings and glances at Neil. “I don’t think I can do this,” she whispers and shakes her head nervously. “We agreed to this, Claire. We can’t go on like before. She has to know. We can trust her,” Neil answers quietly and knocks on Lim’s door and they enter. Dr. Lim still looks exactly as she did three months ago. Her dark brown, straight hair falls over her shoulders and her velvety skin sparkles in the sunlight that shines through the curtains of her office. She's beautiful, Claire thinks. No wonder Neil once liked her. She smiles and leans against her office desk. With a hand gesture she instructs them to sit down.

“It’s good to have you back, Dr. Browne. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you in New York City. It sure is a very demanding job there. I hope you can pick up work right where you left off here,” Dr. Lim says and turns to Neil, probably wondering what he’s doing here with her. “What can I do for you?”

Neil's thinking about how to start. He frowns and takes a deep breath, patting his fingers nervously on the back of a chair and clenching his jaw. Dr. Lim looks back and forth between them and tilts her head. “What is it you want to say to me, Dr. Melendez?”, she asks calmly, interlocking her hands. “I went to New York City to get Dr. Browne back,” Neil starts and deafening silence echoes through the room.

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I wanted her to.” More silence. Claire lowers her eyes and stares at the floor. Dr. Lim lets out a big sigh. “Dr. Browne, would you please excuse us for a minute. You can go change for your shift,” she says, and Claire gets up without a word. Neil gives her a reassuring smile and then she leaves, leaving him behind.

“What the hell are you thinking, Neil?” Audrey seems tense and angry. Although he expected the reaction, he still hopes for her understanding.

“I didn’t plan for this to happen. It just did.”

“What do you mean, it just did? How long has this been going on with you two?”

“A few months.”

“A few months?”, Audrey laughs in disbelief and walks up and down the room, “And what exactly did you have in mind? That you could just walk in here hand in hand with her without anyone bothering you? You know damn well that favoritism complaint had everyone on their feet for weeks.”

“I was hoping for your discretion, Audrey.”

“My… my discretion? How can I keep this a secret? You know very well it's strictly forbidden. Jesus Christ, Neil, I thought you were reasonable. How deep is your connection with her? Please tell me it's just a little fling.”

Neil can't look at her. He looks out the window and shrugs his shoulders, then shakes his head. “It’s more than that.” Audrey sits down beside him and grabs his hand. “You're the most talented attending we've ever had, Neil. This job has always meant everything to you. What the hell happened to you not getting distracted by anything? You’re being reckless. You know this will cost you your career.”

“I'm old enough to decide how to live my life. I can keep my career and my private life very well apart. I know my priorities and the hospital's. I don't want to jeopardize that any more than Claire does. She's an incredible doctor, and we need her. Just like you need me here. So, either you let us both do our jobs here or you get rid of both of us. I love my work; I love this hospital. But I love Claire, too. Either you accept it, or you don't.”

Audrey leans back, crosses her arms and raises her eyebrows in surprise. “Fine, I will keep your secret. Not for her, but for you, as your friend. But I can't protect you from it. If Glassman finds out, I can't talk her out of it, or you. You both will have to suffer the consequences. You're just as headstrong as ever. At least that hasn't changed.” With a disappointed and confused look, she turns away from Neil and devotes herself to her stack of papers on the writing table.

* * *

Claire is sitting on the bench in the dressing room when Shaun bursts in and stops in front of her perplexed. She smiles and waves to him. She would like to hug him, but he doesn't like closeness very much. Shaun beams and claps his hands, then comes towards her.

“Dr. Claire Browne, it is very nice to have you back,” he says full of joy. At least someone on the team is glad she's back, she thinks. Even before she can answer him, Alex Park shoots around the corner and her heart makes a jump. Claire is tense, her pulse rises in her head and her hands start to sweat. She tries to breathe slowly and not show her fear.

“I can't believe you dare set foot in here again,” he says. Shaun glances at him, his face without expression. Claire looks up at him and tries not to let anything on. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she lies. Shaun's beeper goes off and he turns around without saying a word to leave the locker room. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. I told you what would happen if you didn't get the fuck out of here."

_Pull yourself together, Claire. Don't show him you're afraid of him. Let him be afraid of you._

"So, tell on me. Do whatever you want. Run to Dr. Glassman and tell him I'm screwing Dr. Melendez. Who do you think he's gonna believe? I'm top of my class, and I'm one of the best residents this damn hospital ever had. I've never had any trouble with Human Resources before. Dr. Melendez will deny everything, and who do you think the board is more likely to believe? A resident who hasn't been here two years, who has nothing to say anyway, or the most successful and popular surgeon in the state who’s also Glassman’s most trusted friend? You're pathetic, Alex Park. And I’m not afraid of you anymore.” A feeling of strength and a rush of adrenaline rushes through her body. She can hardly believe how she just stood up to him. Alex looks at her distraught. Maybe he didn't expect her to put up as much of a fight as she just did. He scratches his head and then struts out of the locker room, leaving Claire behind alone. She leans excitedly against the locker and breathes deeply. Heat shoots through her body and she opens her doctor’s coat. Neil opens the locker room door and rushes towards her. “I just saw Alex Park coming out of here. Are you alright?”, he asks Claire in worry, and she starts to laugh. Confused, Neil stares at her and she throws her arms around him, giving him a long and passionate kiss. He presses her against the locker behind her and presses her closer to his body, then he hesitates and tumbles back.

“Easy there. What happened with him?”, he asks her, almost out of breath. She reaches for his shirt and unbuttons the top buttons. Her adrenaline rush from earlier makes her heart beat even faster. Especially now when he's standing in front of her. “Claire, we can’t do this here. People will come in”, he tells her and grabs her wrists to push her away gently. She feels as if she is drunk and her hands wander by themselves to his belt and his trouser button. Her fingers feel their way into his trousers and when they reach his best, Neil moans. “The shift just started. No one's coming in,” she reassures him. “You’re impossible, Claire,” he answers and gives in.

* * *

“In muscle flap plasty, a longitudinal incision is made either on the inside of the thigh or on the back to free the entire muscle from the surrounding tissue and set it down together with its vascular pedicle. The wound at the donor site can be sutured directly. I think., the same applies to the free bone graft on the outside of the lower leg,” Claire enlightens Dr. Andrews before the upcoming surgery.

“And after that? What do we tell the patient about aftercare?”

“Oh, the aftercare after a microsurgical intervention is special. It is essential for the success of the reconstruction that the transplanted tissue retains good blood circulation. Especially in the first 24 to 72 hours after the surgery, the suture site of the vessels is susceptible to disturbances in blood circulation. Common causes are a small blood clot, a bent or twisted vessel stem or pressure on the vessel stem due to a hematoma, tissue swelling or a too tight dressing.”

Dr. Andrews nods enthusiastically and smiles.

“Welcome back, Dr. Browne,” he says and the rest of the residents clap as a welcome. Claire's eyes fall on Morgan, who smiles and claps her hands as if she herself had no idea what a phony snake she is. Morgan approaches her, but Claire cleverly avoids her and lets the OR nurses dress her to scrub in. The doctors and nurses gather around the operating table on which the patient is already anaesthetized. Dr. Andrews examines the limbs and Claire checks with the anesthesiologists to make sure everything is working properly. As her gaze falls on the patient's face, she recoils and almost falls down. Her hands and lips are shaking, her legs feel like Jell-O and then they give up. Morgan grabs her under the arms in time and pulls her back onto her feet.

“Dr. Browne, is everything alright with you?”, Dr. Andrews asks.

Once again, she dares to take a look at the patient to be sure that she knows the face.

_“A few minutes ago, you couldn’t wait to rip my clothes off”, the man grunts. “Don’t fight me, you stupid bitch. I’m sure you will enjoy it”, he whispers and in that split second that Claire has accepted her fate of being raped in the middle of a parking lot, she can hear a loud, beating noise and the weight that was pressing against her is dragged away to the ground._

It's him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for all your positive feedback!


	11. omnia vincit amor

The ground trembles, the walls turn, her throat is closed. The air to breathe becomes thinner and thinner and her gaze becomes blurred before her eyes. A big, thick stone presses itself on her chest, just waiting to take her breath away completely. It's been a while since she had a panic attack. It was a chapter she left behind. She wanted to close the book, tie it up, wrap it with tape and throw it into the Bermuda Triangle so that it would get lost in the darkness and never find its way back to the surface. But it is easier said than done. It was a dream that the past would never catch up with her, but now it did. For weeks, the man from that night chased her through her dreams and she woke up sweating and alone in her bed, haunted by fear and memories. Sometimes, when she’s standing in the shower, she still feels his firm grip around her neck and his hard piece on her belly. It disgusts her so much that she scrubs her skin so hard that it gets sore. Rachel's been helping her an awful lot. New York made her forget that horrible night. And finally, with Neil, she hoped she'd never think about it again. The fact that she now has to save the soul of the guy who once almost took hers, presses on her stomach. She doesn't want to know his name. She doesn't want to be haunted by him anymore.

“Are you okay?”, Morgan asks and sits down next to her outside of the OR. It's like the last time Claire had to sit outside to collect herself. Many things were different back then. For example, Morgan was someone she actually didn’t hate. “Don’t act like you care,” Claire answers.

“Excuse me?”

“I know what you did… with Alex.”

Morgan snorts irritated and shakes her head. She rubs her hands and thinks for a moment before answering Claire. “That wasn’t my idea.”

“It doesn’t matter whose idea it was. Alex Park was blackmailing me, Morgan. How could you just stand by and let that happen?”

“You're right, you were my biggest competitor and I wanted to get rid of you. But you were also my only friend, and you still are. I was trying to stop Alex, believe me. But he knows exactly how to scare someone.” Morgan looks desperately into her eyes. She seems really serious about it. Claire never really liked talking to her about her problems. Morgan is a blabbermouth and can't keep anything to herself. But maybe she means what she says this time. Claire's mother always told her she was a good judge of character.

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” And Claire means it. This morning she thought Alex Park was her biggest problem. But after she told him off, he was hiding like a pouting puppy. Whatever else he has planned; nothing is worse than having to go back into that operating room now.

“Does it have something to do with this patient? Do you know him?”

“You could say that.”

“There's nobody left to take over the operation. I can call Dr. Melendez, he'll take over for you,” Morgan offers. Claire grabs Morgan's knee. “Don’t call him, please. He can’t know about this.” She doesn't want him to worry about her, or to kill the guy on the operating table. Sure, doctor code and all, but he's already punched him in the face once. Who says he wouldn’t do it again?

“Why can’t he know about this? He’s our supervisor, we have to tell him if you’re unable to finish the surgery…”, Morgan says. Claire's breath calms, she wipes her tears from her cheek with the back of her hand, then recognizes Neil rushing towards her from the end of the long corridor. He stops right in front of her. Every fiber of her body wants to embrace him. But he remains professional and keeps his distance. He clears his throat and gives Morgan a friendly nod. “Dr. Andrews called me. He told me something is wrong.” His voice is soft, calm and yet penetrating. He stares straight into her soul in the hope that she will open up to him. Morgan looks back and forth between them and decides to answer for Claire. “Oh, it's nothing. She got a little nauseous,” she says.

Neil doesn't believe a word she says. He knows Claire. She wouldn't just lose it like that. Especially not on the job. Something must have happened. He kneels down to her and wants to put his hand on hers, but he hesitates and pulls it back. Nothing hurts him more than to see her like this and not be able to help her. “I’ll scrub in. Stay here and rest. Dr. Reznick, you come with me,” he orders and Morgan nods. She gives Claire a comforting smile and follows Neil into the OR.

The scrub nurse ties the hood around Neil's head, the mask around his mouth and buttons the apron behind his back. The door into the room opens and Dr. Andrews has already started the procedure. The patient breathes deeply through his respirators and the light blinds his face so much that Neil did not recognize him at all. Only when Dr. Andrews moves the lamp and a shadow falls on the man's face, Neil's breath stops. He flinches and swallows. He still recognizes him very well. They are pictures that he can hardly get out of his head either. Claire's suppressed screams, that bastard's hand on her skin and the deep grunt from his mouth. He stands upright, circles his shoulders and then begins to assist Dr. Andrews with the operation. For him it is not a question of morals. The man is a rapist, an abuser who did the worst thing to Claire Browne, but in this one moment, he is a patient. A patient who needs help. And Neil's better than him. Every minute passes like in slow motion. With every cut, the darkest side inside him wants Dr. Andrews to slip and the man on the operating table to bleed to death. But he shakes these dark thoughts out of his brain again and tries to concentrate on the oath he took when he decided to take this job.

The man will survive. He'll be able to walk the earth as a free man if Claire doesn't press charges. He doesn't hold it against her, it's her choice. But there's nothing he wants to do more than teach him a lesson.

* * *

Neil lies down on his bed next to Claire. She's moved in with him temporarily until she finds her own place. She has been hiding under his grey silk bedspread and hasn't said a word to him since he got home. He snuggles up against her from behind and clasps her firmly in his arms. She is wearing nothing but a bra and his boxer shorts. Her skin is warm and soft, he kisses her gently on the shoulder and presses his nose into her hair. Claire trembles and sobs, it breaks his heart. He says nothing. Sometimes it doesn't take words to heal. She turns around and clings to his upper body. For hours he holds her in his arms, stroking her hair until she cries herself to sleep and drifts away.

In the morning, Claire lies alone in bed. Her head is pounding, her face feels swollen and her nose is stuffed. She stretches, then Neil's head pops through the door and he offers her a hot cup of coffee.

“How is he?”, she asks after a minute of silence.

“He’ll survive. Do you want to talk about it?”

“I thought I was over it. But seeing him there… I was afraid I couldn’t keep my oath. I was so scared, Neil. I’m so sorry,” she sobs. He leans forward and kisses her on the forehead. “There is nothing you have to be sorry for. You’ve gone through so much. You’re the strongest person I know,” he tells her lovingly, stroking her face softly, “you know you can still file a police report about him,” he continues but she shakes her head. He doesn't want to go into detail, he sits down beside her and puts his hand on her thigh.

“Thank you, Neil. I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here.”

“You're welcome. Believe it or not, saving his life wasn't easy for me either.”

“But you did. You put your work first, your oath. You could have let him bleed to death,” she says. The thought makes her shudder. She didn't want to be responsible for his death, any death.

They sit on the edge of the bed for a while, Claire circles her fingers along his strong arms and Neil watches as her beautiful eyes search his body. He could look at her all day. How he wishes he could kiss away all her troubles and fears. He feels guilty. Ever since the two of them got closer, she's been through nothing but bad things. Even if he tries to convince himself that he has nothing to do with it, he still can't shake off the thought that she might be better off without him. He's either the worst thing for her, or the best. But in the end, it's her decision. Now he can only be there for her and love her as much she deserves to be loved.

“I made up with Morgan, I think. I believe her when she said she didn't want anything to do with Park,” Claire tells Neil. He does not seem surprised but smiles contentedly. He kisses her collarbone, her cheek, her earlobe. “I’m glad you still have a friend,” he whispers in her ear.

“I have you,” she answers, and he laughs. “I mean a girlfriend. You deserve to be happy,” he answers. His words are like balm on her soul. His presence calms her, gives her strength, courage, self-confidence. Rachel always told her that you can't love someone unless you love yourself first. But it isn’t true. She's never loved herself more than when she's with him. She wants to tell him how much she loves him, how grateful she is to him for saving her life, in every way possible. But every kiss he gives her tells her he already knows. His hand on her chest, her stomach, between her legs. Her body is electrified, catches fire, explodes. His fingers circle over her panties, then into them and then they seek the way into her core. Slowly he runs his finger into her, and Claire bites her lips. She slowly spreads her legs and Neil positions himself on his knees beside the bed, kisses her inner thigh and slowly licks the spot he has already felt with his finger. As if he had practiced it thousands of times before, his tongue dances to the melody of her femininity and Claire moans loudly as he reaches the spot where she is most sensitive. She's wet, hungry for more, for him. Her hands dig into his dark hair and he raises his head to smile at her. Then he stands up and pulls down his boxers, for his erection jumps out. She crawls backwards without letting him out of her sight and he slowly lies down onto her. She clasps her legs around his butt and then he thrusts into her, just as hungry as she is. The two merge into each other, groaning simultaneously while Neil penetrates her more and more firmly and passionately.

It's like once in one of his dreams, when he jerked off alone and imagined them sleeping together. No, it's even better. They belong to each other and nothing and nobody in this world could separate them. Claire clings to the headboard of the bed to hold on. Neil pushes hard one last time, then he comes inside her and together they reach the climax. She screams his name out loud and he takes a deep breath, then lets himself fall beside her. He'll never get enough of it, how she tastes and feels and how she begs for more when he’s inside her.

Claire stares at the ceiling, the pulsation between her legs slowly subsides and her breathing returns to normal. Neil gently caresses her breast, her nipples and kisses her on the cheek. Her skin is flawless, he loves every inch of her so much. Her curls dangle wildly over her forehead, and she constantly tries to blow them away. She turns to his side and smiles gently at him.

For a moment she has forgotten that tomorrow is another working day and that she might meet the one man again. She just enjoys Neil's presence, his love and the quiet hours without worries. It will be a new day, and then she will have to face her biggest fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking around so far. I am going to start a new job next week and will probably not be able to update the fic every single week. I hope you still stick around for more! I will update as soon as possible.
> 
> I miss this ship so much already. I'm still not over what happened tbh.


	12. room 320

Claire’s hands have been sweating since she locked the apartment door behind her. She doesn't feel like herself, she doesn't usually feel like that. That idiot has made her weak, a coward. She's got her hair tied back tightly, like she's some kind of authority figure. Neil's still asleep. He's on late tonight. They talked about it all night. About the night that brought them together, but changed her life. Her gown is hanging looser around her waist than usual. Maybe she's lost weight. She's actually been eating less the last few weeks. Neil always forced her to eat his traditional fajitas from grandmother's kitchen. She doesn't have the heart to tell him that they are of course far too spicy and hardly edible. The thought of him cooking her something delicious, simply because he wanted to, maybe makes the whole fajita-thing a bit more bearable.

Morgan is sitting on the bench, distracted by her phone, she didn't even realize that Claire had come into the locker room. She flinches when Claire calls to her and quickly puts her cell phone in her pocket as if she has something to hide. “Are you feeling better?”, she asks and Claire nods to avoid any more conversation about it. “You really don't want to talk about it? We can go for a drink after your shift?” Claire tries to bring a smile to her lips, but she can hardly manage to force the corners of her mouth upwards. Morgan has proven over the last few days that she is truly sorry. The whole thing with Park, everything she said to her. Maybe it's time to leave the ghosts of the past behind and move on, and that includes forgiving. “Sure, we can talk later,” she answers vaguely,” but not in a bar.” Morgan's face lights up and she bounces up and down on her heels. “Great! I’ll pick you up after lunchtime.”

In the hallway, Claire tries to roll back the sleeves of her gown, so they don't hang so sadly over her skinny arms. Dr. Lim bumps into her and flinches.

"Dr. Browne, I understand you weren't feeling very well yesterday. I hope you will be able to devote your full attention and concentration to the patient today. Room 320, you can take his vitals and then you can report back to Dr. Andrews.”

Claire is reluctant to answer, she was afraid it would come to a point where she couldn't run away from it like last time. _It's time to forgive. It's time to forgive, Claire. It's time to forgive to move on. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I hate you; I won’t forget you, but I forgive you,_ she thinks to herself. She wishes Neil was here to give her advice, to stand by her side and walk through that door with her. Room 320. Maybe she should call him? It would only attract attention if he came to work for her when he was off duty. That man is probably unlikely to remember her anyway. He was almost as drunk as she was. His hands on her chest, on her neck, between her legs. Claire chokes, tries not to throw up, and takes a deep breath. Even though he has taken away everything she once was, he has given her a piece of her heart she didn’t even know she was missing. Neil. The door appears larger than all other patient room doors in the whole hospital. It seems far away, like a long hallway in front of her that has no end, although she is not even standing a foot away from the door handle. Her legs carried her absently to 320. She had drowned in her own thoughts and has now woken up again. She has to face the fact that she can't avoid it. Suddenly she feels a hand on her shoulder, and she is twirled around. It's Morgan anxiously furrowing her eyebrows and scratching her shoulder. “I don’t know what is up with you and that guy in there, but I’ll come with you.” There's no point in arguing about it. And somehow, she's glad she doesn't have to go in alone.

A surge of heat presses against her face, the sun shines brightly into the small room, so much so that she is blinded for a short moment as she enters. “Mr. Clark, Dr. Browne and I are here to check your vitals, it'll be a few minutes, then you can go back to sleep." Clark, his name is Clark. Claire closes her eyes and tramples after Morgan. She doesn't dare look at him. His rough, deep voice pulls her back to reality. She shrugs and holds her breath.

“Thanks,” is all he says.

Their eyes meet. She tried to avoid it, but he caught her just at the moment when she dares to look. Her heart beats faster and her legs start to tremble. She tries to hold on to the end of his bed as Morgan supports her back with her hand. Claire notices Clark trying to match her up with his memories. His expression is baffled, confused and nervous. Morgan fiddles around with the machine while Claire summons all her courage and clenches her hand into a fist.

“You don’t remember me, do you?”, she chokes. Morgan stops moving for a brief second and visibly tries not to interfere. “I wish I could, you sure are a sight for sore eyes,” he laughs. Its smell of smoke and old chimney is disgusting, she's trying to hold it together and not freak out.

“How can you not remember what you did to me?” Morgan trembles, steps back and stands behind Claire to give her support. By now she's probably figured out what it's all about. “Enlighted me, beautiful?”, he throws back at her cockily. Claire vaguely perceives Morgan tapping on her phone, then she takes a step back.

“Your vitals are fine. Goodbye, Mr. Clark,” she puts extra emphasis on his name, sighs, and turns to face the door. She wanted to forgive him when she entered the room. But his face and his presence disgusted her so much that she didn't have the heart to do it. Morgan says nothing and follows her, then his words echo through the small room. “Of course, I remember you, you dirty whore. You were so fucking horny for me; I would have fucked you senseless in that parking lot. You wanted it just as much when you moaned in my ear for more, you bitch. Tell your filthy boyfriend that he broke my nose,” he growls, then almost chokes on his own laugh. Morgan gasps as Claire turns around and with a strict step, she steers towards him and clenches her fists in his direction. “You are a liar, and a rapist and I owe you NOTHING! You destroyed me; took everything I was. And yet here I am, not killing you with my own two hands. And you know why? Because I'm better than you. Because I'm good, strong, and I don't need you. I don't think about you, and I don't give a shit about you anymore.”

He laughs and looks away, clearly uncomfortable.

“I will not forgive you. You deserve to live with the conscience of what you did. And one day you'll think back on me and you'll remember me, and you'll feel sorry for yourself.” She tries to hold back her rage and runs out of the room. She runs because she just wants to get out of here. Her legs carry her, the adrenaline rushes through her veins and she coughs because she almost chokes on her own tears. She can barely see what's happening in the hallway in front of her. Her shoulders touch other shoulders, her arms are squeezing between people’s backs and upper bodies, then she is suddenly caught by someone. Neil's arms wrap around her waist, lifting her up and pressing her so tightly that it takes her breath away. He rocks her back and forth, her screams falling silent in his shoulders. His hands go over her back, her neck, through her hair.

* * *

“Shh, I’m here, you don’t have to be afraid anymore,” he whispers softly in her ear. She hesitantly let’s go of him and looks at him. “What are you doing here?”, she asks, followed by a hick up. “I was going for a jog when Morgan texted me,” he tells her, “why didn’t you let me come with you?” He strokes the wet streaks from her face behind her ear and kisses her in the middle of the hospital corridor. Everyone can see it; everyone can talk about it and everyone can know. It doesn't matter, in this one moment it just doesn't matter. “I wanted to forgive him, Neil. But when I saw him, and when he...”, Neil stops her. “What did he say to you? Did he hurt you?” he asks, clenching his jaw. He is angry and shaken up. He didn’t want Claire to do this by herself. Audrey comes running and tries to shush away the onlookers. “What the hell are you two thinking?”, she asks.

“Room 320, Dr. Lim. I won’t be able to work on this patient’s case anymore. I…”

“You do not get to make demands here, Dr. Browne.”

Neil interrupts her. “Audrey, she said she can’t take care of this patient anymore so you will have to find someone else.” He stands in front of Claire, as if he was protecting her from Audrey. Audrey's look is stunned. She laughs insulted and puts her hands on her hip. “This is exactly what I was saying, Neil. You can’t do this. This is not your call to make. If you’re unable to separate you work life with your love life, then….”

A loud siren echoes through the hallways and Dr. Park runs towards the three of them. “We have a code blue in Room 320”, he shouts and runs back towards Clarks room. Neil looks at Claire with concern and he recognizes her confused look in her eyes. “But he was just fine, I …”, she says, and Neil gently brushes her shoulder as he runs towards the patients’ room. “You stay here, I’ll come back,” he calls after her right before he turns around the corner and loses her. The patient lies on his bed, his face pale, his lips blue and his eyes open, soaked in red. His mouth is open like he is still trying to call for help, but he’s unconscious.

“Asphyxiation?”, Dr. Lim asks puzzled and calls for back up.

“But it was just a muscle flap plasty, there is no possible way this patient could’ve just suffocated. He must have swallowed something,” Dr. Park says, and they prepare for first aid. This was no accident, no coincidence. Someone did this to him. Neil takes a deep breath and tries to push away the terrible thought that Claire might have had something to do with it. He knows her well enough that she could never do something like that. But he's also never seen her like she was when she was in contact with this patient. He prays to God that she didn't do it.

* * *

Claire sits in the café and drums around with her fingers on the table. Her legs stagger up and down and her thoughts circle. Morgan sneaks up and sits in front of her. Her gaze is cold, drops of sweat stick to her forehead and she tries to smile gently, she seems upset.

“I'm sorry for pushing you to tell me what happened,” she says. Claire smiles and takes her hands.

“It's all right. Did you see what just happened to him? I can't explain how this could happen. You were right behind me. He's dead, Morgan. They couldn't save him. He suffocated. They need to autopsy him to find out what happened.”

“He got what he deserved”, Morgan's gaze wavers, her voice is quiet, almost monotonous and without remorse. Claire tries not to think what she's thinking. “Morgan… what did you do?”


	13. walk through fire

The clock is ticking. It has been ticking for what feels like hours, but the hand hasn't moved a minute. Claire looks back and forth between the silent Morgan and Audrey. Glassman's still not here. She can't believe what happened. It's surreal, but she feels incredibly relieved. What are all these thoughts running through her head? Wishing someone dead? She never thought she would sink so low. The hand strikes the full hour. It's almost midnight. Behind the door into the hall is silence, dark corridors and only the creaking wood of the wooden floorboards can be heard. Then follow stabbing steps and Glassman enters the room. The two women sit silently in the armchairs opposite the window and Claire looks outside. It is raining and thundering like crazy. The wind whistles between the trees and the falling leaves whirl through the air before they find their rest on the wet asphalt, tired. Tired. She's never been that tired. She wants to go home to Neil. She wants to bury herself in his arms and stay there forever.

“Can someone please tell me what is going on?”, Glassman says firmly. Morgan squints her eyes together and shakes her head in shame. Her gaze lowers and she sits down on her palms, nervous and irritated. “Dr. Reznick and Dr. Browne were the last two doctors in the patient's room. There are no witnesses, but the evidence seems clear,” the hospital lawyer steps out of the shadow behind Audrey and puts his file on the desk. Claire laughs in disbelief.

“What proof, please? Morgan walked out of the room right after I did, and he was still alive then. There is no way she could have killed him in that short amount of time. Suffocating someone with a pillow while the patient is struggling takes at least three or four minutes to pass out. In that time, Morgan was already with me.”

“We live by a code and I trust my assistants completely. I am afraid we are going to have to continue the investigation. Morgan Reznick is a highly regarded doctor in our hospital. I will not tolerate false accusations. We will have to solve this case, discreetly”, Dr. Glassman says. Audrey leans silently against the wall and sighs.

“With all due respect, Dr. Glassman. As long as we have no witnesses, Dr. Reznick is the prime suspect. Investigators will have to question her on her own for alibi and procedure.” The lawyer smiles tortured. He seems as uncomfortable as anyone else in the room. Claire cannot let Morgan be punished. Deep down, she knows that she wouldn’t hurt a fly. Even if she did, it's because she was trying to protect her. Because she's her friend. The words shoot out of Claire without thinking.

“It wasn’t Morgan, it was me.”

* * *

Neil walks up and down nervously. It's the seventh time he's read the annoying motivational slogan on his calendar in the kitchen. He's about to rip it off and throw it away. Claire hasn't checked in for hours and he can't reach Audrey. He has been asked to stay home and not to interfere, but the thought that something might happen to Claire gives him no peace. What kind of boyfriend would he be if he just left her alone in a situation like this? It doesn't take long before his fingers reach for the calendar's cardboard paper, tear it down and throw it into the trash can. He grabs his jacket and throws the door behind him into the lock.

He can hardly see anything; the rain splashes uncontrolled on his windshield. The windscreen wipers are running at full speed, the blinding lights of the cars crossing him hardly make the journey any easier. He drives faster than usual, nervous and frightened. His sweaty hands cling around the steering wheel and he tries to concentrate on the traffic and not on his fear of what is waiting for him in hospital. Claire had nothing to do with that man's death. He'd put his hand in the fire for that. He drives through the forest, only light drops make their way between the dense trees onto the road and his gaze falls on a flickering light, far away from the road in a ditch. He brakes slightly and squints his eyes together to see what it is. His breath stops and his heart races as he sees the wreckage of a vehicle that must have gone off the road. Without thinking twice, he presses his foot on the brake and Neil shoots open the car door. He reaches for his first aid kit and runs over the barrier into the dark. The wet mud rips the ground from under his feet and he slithers across the dirty forest floor until he reaches the broken jeep, or what's left of it. Smoke and flame rise from the hood. Neil desperately searches for the door of the driver's side, which has been completely destroyed and wrapped around a tree trunk. With his cell phone he shines a light into the car to search for survivors. He calls and calls, louder and stronger, but no answer. He tries to call 911, but no signal. He rips his jacket off his shoulder and ties it around his wrist so that he can rip open the hot metal of the driver's door. The woman behind the wheel has her eyes closed. Blood is running down her face, he can't see her. Her long, red hair sticks to her cheek in disarray. Maybe the hair was blonde and just soaked in blood, he can't recognize her. Her leg is pointing in the wrong direction, the other one impaled by the gear lever. Her arms are wrapped around her upper body, she is pregnant. He has no chance of getting her out of the wreckage. She's trapped and the fire in the hood is threatening to spread. She has no chance of survival if she isn’t already dead. Neil's looking for a pulse. On her neck, on her wrist, nothing. She’s already dead. He throws his box down and runs back on the street to his car. His legs ache, his clothes are full of dirt and mud. He breathes hard, trying over and over again to find a signal to call for help. On his left arm he feels the stabbing pain of a burn, which he must have gotten before. Then finally, it works.

* * *

“I felt his hands on my neck and other intimate places. Neil saved my life. If it wasn't for him, I would have been raped on the spot by that man. Or worse. I don't know what came over me. I'd say I was mentally unstable, but I wasn't. I knew what I was doing. It was a survival instinct. I don't expect forgiveness. Maybe I just expect understanding.” Lying just feels so easy. _What happened to you, Claire?_

The police have arrived in the meantime and have obtained Claire's statement. Claire doesn’t know where the others are. She wonders what Neil is doing right now. If he is already worried about her and if he will be fine without her. God knows how long she'll be behind bars. The policeman clamps Claire's arms behind her back and takes her away. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in court. You have the right to talk to a lawyer for advice before we ask you any questions. You have the right to have a lawyer with you during questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer…” She digresses. She's not listening to him anymore. Her eyes closed, she thinks of Morgan, of Neil, of the dead. She did the right thing. Morgan shouldn't pay for something that was all her own doing. It is her business, and she has to take the consequences. The strong smell of fire and ashes rises into her nose and tears her from her thoughts. She is tired, her vision blurred by tears. A loud whistling in her ear turns into Neil's desperate cries for her name. She looks at Neil at the end of the corridor. He is dirty, his face hidden by ashes and mud. Desperately he tries to squeeze past the policemen and go to her.

“Let her go! She has nothing to do with this. Claire! Please, let her go. I'm begging you, let me go to her!” Her heart is torn apart, she can't look him in the eye. He would understand why she did what she did. At least that's what she hopes. Morgan walks up to him and tries to hold him back, but he pushes her back and continues to press himself against the policeman. Neil seems upset, what happened to him? Was he in an accident? Claire is worried and as she passes him, she looks back, right into his eyes.

“I love you Claire, I'm going to get you out of this, I promise you.”

Even before she can reply, the door closes behind her and Neil is gone. He doesn't know. She couldn't tell him. Morgan will tell him. _I will be okay._

* * *

“What happened to you? You're hurt, you need help,” Morgan tries to calm Neil down. “What happened to _me_? What the hell happened here, Morgan. Claire didn't do this. Tell me what happened!” He's never seen himself like that before. That dark side in him that he doesn't know. The side that would go through fire and hell to bring back the woman he loves.

“Claire saved my life. She surrendered to protect me, but it wasn't me, Dr. Melendez. I didn't kill that guy.”

“Are you telling me she did it for nothing? This asshole's killer is on the loose and Claire's in jail for him?” Neil is boiling with rage. She's incredibly selfless and yet so stubborn. "Claire is incredibly smart. She knows that when she tells her story, she might get shown mercy." Morgan is trying to convince herself that everything's going to be okay. Neil wishes he had that optimism at the moment.

“I need to find out who did this,” he says out of breath. “What you need is a doctor and someone to examine and treat your wound. Let me help you,” Morgan answers calmly and he gives in.

Morgan sits opposite him and gently wraps the bandage around his wound. He has spent the last half hour talking about the accident in the woods, the dead pregnant woman they brought in hoping to save the baby, and about Claire and the fear of losing her. It does him good to talk about it. He never thought it would be with Morgan, but maybe he needs this little therapy session to calm down. “How did you two even get started?”, she asks curiously, and he laughs. He tells her how he first saw her when he was still with Jessica. How he had to suppress his feelings for her and couldn't stop himself from going to the bar that night. He tells her how he loved her and when she disappeared to New York, his heart was broken. How he tried for three months to imagine a world without her and how it was impossible to be in a world without her. So, he decided to follow her, to follow his heart. He tells her how his job is his life, the patients and the hospital. How he believed in a protocol that you have to follow to be successful in life and love would find no place in it. But Claire changed his perspective, his will and his dreams. And what kind of person would it be if he extinguished that light at the end of the tunnel?

“Claire proved who she is today. She is the most compassionate person I know. She would do anything for the people she loves. I have to learn to take a page out of her book. We all could. I'm doing what she would do. I'm not gonna give up on her, she wouldn’t either.”

“You're a remarkable doctor, Dr. Melendez. And you are more powerful than you think. You'll get her out of this, I'm sure. I will help you do so. She helped me despite everything that happened with Alex. I'll never be able to thank her enough.”

Alex Park. Neil’s almost got him out of his head. That man is the only one who would want to hurt Claire. The only one who could have had access to the room because he was on shift that night. Maybe it was a new move, maybe just plain stupidity if he thought it wouldn't come out someday. It would take a lot to prove it. But it's a start in the right direction to bringing Claire back.


	14. i would have waited for you

He holds her hip while she swings back and forth on him in circular movements. Her eyes are closed and she moans loudly, grabs his hands and places them on her breasts to motivate him to play with them. _What are you doing?_ She bites her lower lip and moans his name, kisses him gently on the mouth and comes to the climax, then she lets herself fall beside him. Neil is absent, his thoughts circle and he doesn't even notice when she grabs his arm and puts it around her shoulder to cuddle up to him. Her hands wander from his tattoo down over his belly and she embraces his bulging piece with her hands, leading her up and down. He leans his head back, tries to distract himself and enjoy it, but it doesn't work. It hasn't worked for a long time, not like this. Her fingers on his tattoo, her lips on his, it feels wrong. Morgan's blond hair falls across his chest as she turns away from him and sits on the edge of the bed.

“It's okay, we'll figure it out, babe. You want me to fix you some breakfast? Cereal or eggs?”, she asks. He takes one look at the alarm clock. He has half an hour left, then visiting hours start at the Elmwood Complex Jail. Morgan catches his eye on the time and sighs softly. “Why are you still doing this, Neil? She doesn't want to see you. You have to get over it someday, I don't feel good about it anymore… about us."

Nor does he. It's been over a year since Claire left. The investigation is ongoing, there are no witnesses to testify, no evidence that Alex Park could have done it. He's got an alibi, Morgan's been off the hook since Claire sacrificed herself for her. Murder. No mercy, no hope. For a year he tried everything to get her out. And when he finally came up with the bail money, they turned him down. A slap in the face and the heart. She doesn't want to see him, he's been coming to her every single day for a year, but she doesn't want to see him anymore. He did not want to give up, but now he did. And Morgan was there, trying to fill the void that Claire left in him. He doesn't feel like a hero or a good person. He gave up and he hates himself every day because of it. But it's too late now.

“Today’s the last time. I promise”, he finally admits it, surrenders with a lump in his throat. He was once a respected surgeon, a good doctor, a strong, confident and purposeful man. All he sees when he looks in the mirror today and looks at his lost reflection, is a broken man. He had everything and lost everything. Morgan tells him that he still has everything to be happy. But that's not true. He has lost his heart, his air to breathe, and the only reason he still makes it out of bed in the morning is because he has taken an oath to save the lives of those who didn't choose to be lost and hurt. To die the way he did, only he did it more slowly. Maybe it's time to let go. Claire once told him he was the strongest man she knew. She told him through the whispering gallery how much she loved him. And when she escaped to New York that time, she was so sure he could live without her. Maybe he has to learn to do that. He has to stop dying and try to live. He must admit that he cannot save everyone, even if he would like to.

He sits in the car outside the gate, his hands shaking. He fiddles with the collar of his shirt, smoothes his trousers and smells his armpits as if he is preparing for a date. Of course, he hopes that she wants to see him today, it's the last time. He wonders what she looks like. After so long, how long her hair has grown, how bright her eyes shine and how thin she has become. He reaches for the doorknob, then his emergency pager goes off. He squints his eyes together and rolls his hands into a fist. Then he closes the door and starts the engine of his car.

* * *

She does not know why she chose to see him today. She's been counting the days since she last saw him. It's been over a year, and the last thing she remembers is his desperate cries and dirty face. She didn't have the heart to see him. Of course, she did want to. To have him sent away every day hurt her heart, she bled from the inside out, screamed herself to sleep, prayed to God for his safety and the hope that one day he would find peace. She was ashamed that he could see her like that. So broken and ugly, dishevelled and abandoned. That he would spend his life putting his hand on a pane of glass and hoping for something that would never happen. He doesn’t deserve that. She has to tell him. She has to tell him to let her go, but how can she tell him when she looks into his eyes? She'll drown. How dare she even consider him bailing her out after all the trouble she's caused. It's not his job to save her. She has to do it herself. Maybe she had a plan to get through this hell. To convince the jury that it was an emotional short circuit because of what happened back then. But a doctor who took an oath to save lives and then murdered someone in cold blood? Nobody had any sympathy. She didn't do it, but neither did her friend. And to save Morgan's life, she's willing to go down that road. She has a lot of time to think. Neil is her every thought morning and night before bed. To wonder what he's doing right now when he's not at the prison gates at 8am, only to be disappointed again and again and over again. How much she hopes that he has someone to turn to who will give him encouragement and not let him break. And today, on his birthday, she needs to see him.

She sits on the edge of the bed and breathes in and out deeply. She feels her ribs and rubs against her collarbone, just skin and bone. She was once a doctor, now she's nothing. Just a number behind bars who, for better or worse, will spend the rest of her life here. Lucy, the receptionist and some guards roam the corridors every morning and pick up the inmates who are expecting visitors. Lucy stops at Claire's cell.

“He’s not here today.”

They are words that crumble inside her, ripping out her organs and constricting her throat. It had to be this way. It was the right thing to do. It hurt like hell, but he made his choice. She wanted it that way, why doesn't she want it anymore? She sobs, she cannot breathe, she gets sick and vomits in the sink. Her forehead gets hot, she feels her legs start shaking and then she loses consciousness.

She doesn't know how long she was gone. But the bright light of a flashlight in her eyes startles her. She lies on her stretcher and the prison doctor pats her cheek. “Just a little dehydrated, she should be better soon”, she can hear the mumbling voices through the loud ringing in her ears, then she overhears Lucy talking outside her cell. “Is she able to receive the visit? She hasn't seen him in over a year. I think it's important for her.” _He is here? He came after all._

“She'd better get some rest…”

“I’m fine,” she pants and tries to get up on her feet. He's here, he's here, he's here. She's nauseous, she's nervous, she doesn't even want to know what she looks like. The guard puts his hand on her back and leads her outside, away from the corrosive stench of uncleaned cells, the moth-eaten smell of her suit that has spread throughout her room and the stench of excrement that permeates the hall. Her eyes wander back and forth, from glass wall to glass wall, from phone box to phone box and then she sees him. Neil sits awkwardly in the chair on the other side, his hands drum on the counter and his gaze wanders through the corridors, looking for her. Then their eyes meet and for a moment time stops, the voices around her fade and the world stops spinning. He hasn't changed. He looks chic, thoughtful and stern. His shirt nestles closely to his bulging chest and his broad shoulders move up and down nervously breathing. Still the untouchable surgeon he once was, literally untouchable. She sits down opposite him and hardly dares to pick up the phone. He puts his hand on his and lifts it to his ear. Then he closes his eyes and waits. She trembles, picks it up and then she hears his breath. Oh, how she missed it. How much she missed him. She doesn't know what to say.

“You don’t know how much I wanted to hear you breathe,” he whispers. His voice sounds as deep and penetrating as ever, but desperation struggles through. “You’re late today,” she answers, and he laughs. He laughs. She never stopped thinking about that laugh. “Happy Birthday”, she continues, and he smiles, daring to take a look at her and their eyes meet.

“There was an emergency. I had to go… I was on time but…”

“It’s alright. You’re here now.”

Silence.

“I’m so sorry, Neil”, she continues. “You have nothing to apologize for,” Neil answers, shaking his head, holding on tighter to his phone.

* * *

She is still the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She has tied her disheveled hair into a bun, her cheeks hang down from her cheekbones in hunger and her skinny body almost collapses into itself, but she is still beautiful, and she’ll always be. There's so much he wants to tell her.

“I need to tell you…” He doesn't know how to start.

“Let me tell you something first,” she interrupts him and he nods. “I'm sorry about the bail. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you all these months. You were here every day, you fought so hard for me. I couldn't ruin your life any more than I already did. I don't want you to have that life with me. I need you to move on, Neil.”

Her words hurt him, penetrating him like a knife sticking through his chest. Her eyes fill with tears and she swallows. “You need to get on with your life. Please stop fighting for something that makes no sense. You have to let me go, Neil.”

It hurts, time still stands still, the longest minute of his life. Then he takes all his courage and says the words he was most afraid of.

“No.”

* * *

“I’m sleeping with Morgan”, he says, and she hesitates for a moment. She wasn't expecting that. She looks at him, he looks at her face, has his eyes narrowed as if he is trying to read her reaction.

“That’s what you wanted right? For me to move on? I was ready to fight for you. I would have waited for you, however long it takes, and you decided to take that away from me. For a year, I talked to lawyers, police men, I even involved Jessica, begging her to help me save you. I tried to look for every option to get you out of here. After everything we've been through together... you're willing to throw that away."

"I didn't want to ..."

"Then don't, Claire. You don't always have to be this strong. It's okay to let someone else help you sometimes. You don't have to go through all of this alone. Yes, I slept with Morgan, but not because I'm in love with her, but because I needed to remember how it feels to be touched by you. I know it's wrong but when I close my eyes I see you, and I need to remember that feeling. I can't let you go, and I wont. I'll double the bail money if I have to but I promise you, I won't stop until I get you out of here."

"Who am I going to be if I ever get out of here. I'm nothing anymore. Not a doctor, not a daughter, not a friend." 

"You're still you. And If you feel like you've lost yourself, I will help you find whatever you've lost again."

Claire smiles in agony. She loves him. “In another life maybe”, she says, her eyes filled with tears, her head lowered so he can’t see how guilty and torn she feels and then she hangs up. How is it possible that she tried for a year to forget this man, to push him away from her and ban him from her life, and still he follows her to purgatory. How can it be that he keeps turning her head, upsetting her plans and giving her hope that maybe she will continue to fight. He holds the receiver tightly, mumbles something and then hangs up, tears in his eyes. He shakes his head and walks away, without turning around once. He'll fight and won't stop until she's out. Even if she's afraid of what's coming, of him being right once again and her being wrong, maybe that's exactly what she needed to hear. 


	15. how do I love thee?

“I’m sorry Morgan, I can’t do this anymore.” Morgan is sitting on the dining room chair and has her arms crossed. She sobs, brushes a strand of hair from her face and shakes her head. "You talked to her once and already you're changing your mind? She did not want to see you for a whole year. I helped you every step of the way to save her. And I was good enough to screw her out of your mind. And now that she's back in the picture, you're dumping me like a sack of potatoes.”

“It’s not like that. You knew from the start that I didn't want anything serious. And you know how grateful I am to you for everything you've done.”

“I've fallen in love with you,” she whispers, staring into his eyes. He can't look at her, he feels too guilty. Of course, he is sorry, but his conditions were clear from the start. Sex only, no feelings. She was good to him. Morgan was good for him. She was there for him more than anyone else around him. But he doesn’t want to fool her or play with her feelings. It wouldn't be fair, so he's honest with her.

“I need you now, Morgan. I can’t ask you to help me, not after this. But I really do need you. I need you to forgive me.” She seems indecisive, bites her lips and moans. Then she gets up and sits down next to him on the couch, puts her head on his shoulder.

“You’re right. Of course, I’ll help you.” He smiles, but she can't see it. Her friendship is exactly what he needs right now. “What was she like?”, she asks after a few moments of silence. He shrugs and leans back, reminiscing on how he saw Claire again. “Quiet, different, but still herself. She's so skinny. But she's strong, she always has been.” Morgan nods and smiles. “She has.”

“I'd like to request bail again.”

“Are you crazy? How are you going to afford that?”

“I’ll sell the apartment, if I have to.” Morgan looks at him with that judgy look she always puts on when he plans something that has to do with Claire. “You really think this can work?”, she asks and he nods. “I have to believe it will,” Neil answers confidently. He kisses Morgan on the cheek. “Thank you, again. I have to go to work now.”

The hospital is overcrowded, a tough day is about to begin, and Neil has to concentrate fully on his work. He can't afford any mistakes right now. He is called into the OR together with Alex Park. At the sink, the two stand opposite each other and wait for the nurses to put on their aprons. Just standing next to him makes his inner volcano almost erupt.

“How’s Claire?”, Park asks. Neil is not sure if the question is serious. Park hardly moves his face, no emotions.

“Why do you ask?”

“I’m simply curious…”

“You don’t have the right to ask about her. She’s in there because of something you did.” Park frowns and laughs out loud, a sarcastic, rotten laugh. “As if someone would believe that. I have an alibi, remember. Nobody will ever listen to you.” The nurses enter and tie the aprons around the two men. They pull on the rubber gloves, tie the mask around their mouths and open the sliding door into the operating room. Park turns to Neil once more before he takes care of the instruments. “Oh, and by the way, it really wasn’t me who did it.”

The hours fly by, the patient is back on the station and Neil laces the mask off his face, tired and strained. Looking into the mirror, he runs his fingertip along the print on his face and washes his hands. Jessica must have taken care of that bail by now. Nervously he reaches for his mobile phone in his trouser pocket and looks at the missed call and the voice mail. He opens it up and presses play.

 _“Hey. I had a talk with the guys, and you don't need to raise your bail. We'll just set the same bail again and see. They are going to need all the room they can get right now. Claire's been in there quite long and apparently, she's been very well-mannered since the last time they denied it. It was just too early. So, don’t worry, it'll all work out. She just needs to commit to making the court date. Otherwise, she'll be back inside faster than she can say cheesecake, hehe. Anyways, I’ll be in my office if you need me.”_ Neil takes a deep breath. A ray of hope.

In the hallway he meets Audrey, who holds him back with her hand on his shoulder as he tries to rush past her in search of Jessica. “Where are you off to so fast?”, she asks curiously. He struggles to answer her but does not succeed in lying to her. Audrey doesn't know anything about this. She didn't know anything about it from the beginning and he didn't plan to ever tell her. Firstly, it was simply none of her business and secondly, he didn't want to drag her into this mess, too. “Let's talk about this later, I'm really in a hurry,” he brushes off and walks away. He can't get Park's words out of his head. Neil always thought he was a great judge of character himself. Earlier when he looked into Parks eyes as he claimed he had nothing to do with Clark's death, he believed him. He doesn't know why, but he did. It tugs at his conscience that Park might have nothing to do with it after all. But after all that's happened, it could only have been him, _right?_ Who else would want Claire out of the way?

* * *

She found out today that she's being discharged. She's actually being discharged. She can't remember the last time she got some fresh, natural air. The only air she was allowed to breathe was the air in the prison yard, surrounded by cigarette smoke and the stench of sweat. She’s allowed to take a hot shower, drink a hot chocolate and snuggle under the warm blanket in an actual, comfortable bed. She gets to jog in the park and talk to her friends and... she gets to see Neil again. Claire doesn't think she deserves to hold him in her arms. She tried to push him away from her, over and over again. She left him, couldn't say goodbye to him. He's given so much for her, and her reward for that was to ignore him. How could she look him in the eyes, kiss him and love him as if nothing had happened? Nothing will ever be the same.

The hours pass slowly, she counts every minute. Every time someone passes in front of her cell, she jumps up, thinking she will be picked up. She wonders if he's waiting for her outside. She's afraid to talk to him. She can hardly remember how his skin feels, how he smells, how his lips feel on hers. There is nothing she desires more than to melt into him.

* * *

He found out today that she's being discharged. Jessica was right, it worked. She moved mountains for him, and he will be eternally grateful to her for that. He doesn't know how to react. Can he hug Claire? Does she even want to? There's nothing he desires more. Neil is sitting in his car outside the facility, waiting for the gates to open. He feels like a high school boy waiting for his prom date. He's never been so nervous in his life. He can't imagine what the future will be like. But he wishes that it will be free. Free of worry and fear of losing her again. He won't let her go again, not without a fight. A loud siren, then the door opens from the side and two policemen, followed by a woman step from the shadows into the warm sunlight. Claire looks confused back and forth, buries her backpack under her scrawny arms, her hair glows in a natural brown. The dirty, washed-out glass pane has almost obscured her beauty to such an extent that he is speechless when she actually stands before him. She comes one step towards him but doesn't dare to take the last one and pauses a few feet in front of him. He reaches out for him, but she lowers her gaze and shakes her head shyly. His heart bleeds, he pulls back his hand and swings up and down on his heels.

“Hi”, is all she says. “Hi back,” he answers. “You look well,” she says, her voice is scratchy and quiet, she doesn't look at him. He doesn't want to crowd her or pressure her into anything she doesn’t want. It must be hard for her to be outside after all this time. “Let’s go home,” he says, and she snivels. “I don’t think I have a home,” her voice is so quiet, he can hardly understand what she’s saying. It hurts too much to hear her say those things. She lived with him for so long, of course his home is her home too. “You do,” is what he answers, and he opens the car door for her. It's the first time she looks him straight in the eye. She smiles, gently and tired, nods slightly in thanks and sits down in his car. During the whole drive, the two of them haven't exchanged a word. She admires nature, observes the streets and surroundings as if she were a little child seeing summer for the first time. He recalls how she first came to St. Bonaventure as a young, motivated intern. So full of light, joy and wisdom in her white coat. She always had a know-it-all answer in store and found the right solution for every unsolvable case. Her loud, infectious laugh when he makes a stupid joke, when he beats her in bowling again and she claims she let him win. How she got upset about his deer antlers on her neck and nestles plans to kiss him at the top of a cruise ship like Jack and Rose in Titanic. To see her lost like this is just… Her words tore him from his thoughts.

“I don’t know how to thank you.”

She doesn't have to thank him, it was nothing, he wants to say but he doesn’t answer her. He's afraid his voice will make her wince, he doesn't want her distracted by the view, so he lets her be.

* * *

The apartment still looks exactly as she remembered it, except that maybe he could have cleaned up a little more. Neil's always been a tidy man. He liked order, security and knowing that everything had its place. He seems to have changed too; she hopes he won't hold it against her. The apartment where she once felt at home seems strange to her, as if she no longer belongs here. The thought makes her shiver and she tries to hold back the tears. Maybe she is too ashamed of what she did to Neil. How can he be so good to her? She walks slowly back and forth, rubbing her fingers along the kitchen counter, the seam of the soft white cushions on the couch, trying to remember the past. How it felt to lie here and enjoy every second with him. Talking together about the future, about the feeling of having saved a human life again. What has become of her? What has become of her dreams and her life? Exhausted, she lets herself fall onto the couch and reaches for the book, which lies invitingly on the coffee table. It reminds her of the book of poems she once received from him.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right.

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

Claire didn't notice that she started crying. It's the warmth of Neils arms around her shoulders that brings her back to reality and without struggling, she lets herself fall. She cannot speak, her words suffocate in tears, her throat is closed, and she wants to scream as loud as she can, but she cannot. She reaches for his shirt, looks for support and security and suddenly her breath relaxes, her trembling subsides, and the last tear rolls down her cheek and melts into a drop on his chest.

“Let us start over, there is no rush. We have all the time in the world,” he whispers, and she nods. There's nothing she wants more than to be her old self again. To have the life back that once made her so happy, despite all the shadows that circled over her sun. She knows he's there. That she can sleep tonight and not be afraid of the dark. How much did she miss him? Only now that she can finally lie in his arms again, she begins to appreciate what she once thought she had lost. He's here and nothing else matters anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43) poem by  
> Elizabeth Barrett Browning - 1806-1861


	16. piece by piece

“I haven't gotten her out of bed yet. She's been hiding for days”, he sighs desperately. Morgan goes to the bedroom door and peeps inside. Neil notices her uneasiness, she doesn't seem to like it, especially after what happened between them. Whatever happened between Morgan and him needs to be swept under the carpet. After all, Claire is her friend, even after all this time. He's not proud of eavesdropping, but he can’t help himself. Tired, he leans against the wall and closes his eyes as he listens as Morgan gently tries to talk to her.

“It's time to get up. We could go for a walk, what do you say? And if you like, we can go by the hospital. Things have changed. They painted it. And I’m sure, Shaun'll be glad to see you again.”

Only when he feels a tear rolling down his cheek does he realize that he has started to cry. The last few days have not been easy. To be so close to her, yet so far away. They were two strangers getting to know each other again. He tries to straighten up, get the same posture he is used to and clears his throat. It’s not long before Morgan walks out of the room. She takes a step towards Neil and looks straight at him. He feels the tension between them. it's not a very pleasant tension. She forces herself to smile and nods slightly, then leaves without saying a word. Neil walks slowly towards the bedroom. The bedside lamp is on, Claire is sitting on the edge of the bed, her head down. “Morgan's right. Maybe I need to get some air,” she whispers. Neil hears how hard she tries to be strong and not to tremble.

“There's nothing to be ashamed of, Claire.”

“I've been trying to tell myself that for months.” She smiles softly.

"Let us take a walk in the park where we used to jog, okay? We can talk there.” She nods.

She put on a white hoodie and black leggings. She wears the same grey sneakers as she did months ago and her meanwhile endless curls she has tied back to a strict braid. She looks almost the same as before, only more fragile. The cool morning air passes her cheek and she shivers. He looks at her for a little too long, as if he wants to remember her so much, because she could disappear from the picture at any moment. The park is almost empty at this time of day, they are undisturbed and slowly stroll through the trees. He glides closer to her and extends his hand towards her. Her fingers touch his and he feels this lightning that he first felt when he accidentally touched her hand during a coronary artery bypass grafting operation when she handed him the instrument. Back then he could not explain why he felt what he felt. He was with Jessica, just the thought of being attracted to his student would have cost him his job. But now, right in this one moment, he looks at her and none of that matters. She seems as confused with the feeling as he is. She flinches her hand briefly, then her frightened expression relaxes and she reaches for his hand and their fingers interlock, her hand relaxes and she breathes out deeply, knowing she is safe.

“Thanks for being so patient with me.”

“You don't have to thank me. I'm glad you're here.”

“Yes, I do,” she stops and turns to him. “I can't believe you didn't give up.” He looks at her confused. He raises his hand and puts it to her cheek, takes a step towards her. Her forehead lies on his, both close their eyes and enjoy the moment of being so close to each other, the other's warm breath on their cheeks, the closeness and love that is still there, even though it has been unspoken for a while. “I love you so much,” she whispers, and he just nods because he knows. They walk on, hand in hand but as she gets closer to the hospital, she stops abruptly.

“The investigation will be reopened now that you're out. They'll keep an eye on you, but a lot has happened since you left. The police have been here a few times, questioning everyone. No one believes you're guilty, I’m not even sure the police does. You’re just an easy target. Please don't be afraid to go back in there. You belong here.” Neil tries to talk to her as sensitively as possible. At first she does not seem to react to his words, but then she nods. “I want to go inside.” He squeezes her hand tighter and advances.

* * *

It smells of fresh paint, the walls shine in a brighter white, but the furniture is still the same. The entrance gallery is full of patients who seem to be waiting for their families, at the reception desk sits a new young lady. Claire nervously clings to Neil's arm, follows him through the corridors to the changing room and before she can enter someone opens the door right before her. Shaun comes towards her and looks at her face in bewilderment.

“Dr. Claire Browne, you are back. Hello,” he says and walks past her, rushing away. Well, she definitely thought that would be more difficult. Neil chuckles and goes ahead. Claire brushes her hands along the lockers, pauses at her own. It's still the same empty, sad locker it always was. It hasn't been used by anyone else. She blushes when she thinks about what has already happened between her and Neil on this bench, in this small, stinking room, next to this locker. He seems to be able to read her thoughts and laughs. “It's good to hear you laugh again,” she says and smiles at him. “And I've missed your smile,” he answers. They are torn from the moment when a familiar voice speaks to them. Audrey Lim leans against the wall, her arms crossed.

“Welcome back, Dr Browne. It's good to see you again.” Claire says nothing, she is ashamed. She's not sure if Dr. Lim's statement is serious or not. She smiles gently and comes a step closer to Claire.

“I'm really glad they're back. I'm sure Dr. Melendez has already told you what the situation is at the moment.”

“More or less,” Claire answers quietly.

“You are still part of this investigation. Still, I wouldn't want to miss you on my team. If you feel ready to rejoin us, you're more than welcome. I believe you're innocent, and I'll stand by that.” Neil smiles at her gratefully, squeezes Claire's hand harder to signal to her that he is still there. Claire slowly shakes her head, she can hardly believe what she just heard.

“I was in prison for months. I'm a prime suspect in a murder case and you just let me keep working? Are you even allowed to do that?”

“Well, finally Dr. Glassmann has to approve it, but he is behind you, behind me and especially behind Dr. Melendez. He'll support my decision. Just think about it, take all the time you need.”

“I don't know what to say,” Claire is clearly out of words. Dr. Lim's pager rings and she says goodbye, leaving Neil and Claire to themselves. “Piece by piece, normality will return. You just have to give yourself time,” he assures her. She hugs him tightly, pressing his body against hers. It's the first time since she's been back that she feels good, free, happy. The prospect of the future with Neil by her side. She forgets to be afraid of what's coming.

* * *

He lifts her through the entry of his apartment, throws off his shoes and carries her into his bedroom. He lays her on the bed and starts to take off his shirt. “Let me do that for you,” she says and kneels on the bed, unbuttoning his shirt hungrily, kissing every inch of his body with each loose button that pops open. She never forgot the smell of his aftershaves, his clothes, his shampoo. He moans as she moves her tongue in circular movements above his trouser button. He fiddles with his belt, pulls it off his trousers and presses Claire onto the bed. How much he missed holding her body, kissing her, loving her. Both are hungry for each other, desperate to merge into one. She is timid, uncertain at first whether he will like her body. But when he pulls her hoodie over her head and sees her curvy, tanned breasts, which flatter her upper body so much, he smiles. Of course, she is still as beautiful as before and she will always remain so. He kisses her neck and with his lips, he traces her goosebumps to her nipples, embracing her breast with his hand and licking over it with the tip of his tongue. Claire reaches for the sheet, arching her back in lust, moaning. It's been so long since she's felt this way. He prances with his fingers around her belly button, puts his hand under her leggings, under her slip, where she's already wet. Claire bites her lips. “Please…,” she begs. She doesn't have to tell him twice, of course. He wipes his boxers off and rips her legs apart dominantly. He reaches for her pants and pulls them down, throws them on the armchair next to his bed. He kisses her passionately, with his hands he presses her arms against the bed, Then he slides backwards and presses his head between her legs, kisses her femininity gently, then more energetically, with his tongue he runs over her slit and plays with her while at the same time he penetrates her with his finger. He can hear her moaning as she pleadingly calls his name, her thighs tense up and her back continues to curve. Before she comes, he sits ups and positions himself between her legs again, then he pushes himself inside her, and with deep and even thrusts he makes her come in pleasure, calling out for him, burying her nails in his back. She lifts up her head and kisses him, pulling him down and he collapses on her as he comes right after her. He missed her so much, and now she's his again. This morning he thought they were strangers, but how could he think such a thing when there has never been anyone to complete him as much as she does. He breathes heavily and she strokes his hair, then he rolls to the side and cuddles up to her, takes her in his arms, smells her hair, kisses the back of her head.

So vulnerable she lies there, naked and obviously still afraid, but he is glad that she has opened herself to him. There are still many steps to be taken before she is the same old Claire again, but today she has taken the biggest one.

He lets her sleep while he sits on the couch and drinks a coffee. It's Sunday morning and the sun is shining outside. It's his day off, so he might be taking Claire back outside. Yesterday he realized that it did her good. The fresh air, the sun, the cool wind on her skin, away from the confining walls and oppressive rooms of his apartment. His phone is ringing. It's Jessica. He picks up.

“Hey there, I wanted to tell you there's some new evidence in the investigation. And I don’t think you’re going to like it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Originally, before Claire came forward for her, Morgan Reznick was the prime suspect. Investigators have not forgotten that, Neil. There are surveillance tapes that show Morgan getting narcotics out of the medicine cabinet, taking them to the victim's patient room without her attending's orders. The drugs were never recovered. The autopsy of the victim showed that the patient was given an increased dose of narcotics and suffocated. All the evidence leads to Dr. Reznick at the moment.”

Neil swallows.

“This is not possible. Morgan didn't even know who he was until then.”

“How do you know? It was no secret that Claire was having problems with the patient. Tell me Neil, is there any reason why Morgan could have done it?”

He shakes his head, of course she couldn't see it, but he can hardly believe it. Thousands of questions tumble through his head. Why would Morgan do such a thing? Why wouldn't she stand up for Claire when she sacrificed herself for her? Would she want to get rid of her? For what reason? She always swore she wasn't on Park's side, to be Claire's friend. She was always good to Neil, she even loved him so much that she helped him with Claire and… the thought of it makes him sick and leans back. Would Morgan really go that far just to be with him? No, he doesn’t even want to think about that.

“Has Morgan been questioned about it yet?”

“She was arrested when the video surveillance images were released. She may be at the station right now.”

“Can I talk to her?”

“Not right now, you’ll be able to visit her if she has to stay. If Morgan confesses, Claire is a free woman, Neil. You should be happy with this message.”

If Morgan confesses, he can't be happy. The thought that he shared the bed with her for months, confided in her and she lied to him coldly, makes his stomach turn. Claire will never forgive him for that.


	17. the truth

“I don’t hate you for sleeping with her,” she says softly, lying next to him in bed, while he’s stroking her arms. He has not yet had the heart to tell her what Jessica told him on the phone today.

"We never really talked about it,” he answers.

"We don't have to. I get it. We were apart for a long time.”

“It's no excuse. I want you to know that it didn't mean anything.” She nods and closes her eyes. Her long, dark eyelashes flutter and cast a shadow over her lower eye. “There's something I need to tell you.” His voice trembles, he’s nervous, unsure of how she will react. This might be the moment she will go off at him, ban him into exile.

"Jessica called this morning. They arrested Morgan. There's video evidence released that caught her stealing narcotics and smuggling them into Clark's room. She probably crippled him with it and then killed him after you left. At least that's what Jessica told me.” Claire sprawls up and pinches the blanket under her arms. She puts her hands on her chest as if she is having difficulty breathing. Neil puts one hand on her shoulder, but she shakes it off. Her hands are shaking, she turns pale.

“What are you saying?”

“It wasn't Park, Claire. It was Morgan. All the evidence points to her.” He can hardly believe that Park had told him the truth, back in the hallway at the hospital when he confronted him. There's no question, Alex Park was a lousy scumbag with an inferiority complex, now this one time when he was supposed to believe him, he didn't.

“No, no, no. That is impossible. Morgan… Morgan is my friend, she… she wouldn’t do that.” Confused, she looks back and forth, jumps out of bed and looks for her clothes. Neil leans against the head of the bed and watches her. “Claire, what are you doing?”, he asks.

“I need to see her. I need to talk to her now.”

“I don’t think that’s….”

“I don’t care!” She screams, loud and angry. Never before had she raised her voice to him as she just did. She breathes heavily, her chest goes up and down, her hands are clenched into fists.

“Please calm down. We don't even know what Morgan said about it yet. Maybe we should just...”

She interrupts him. “She was there for me, Neil. She's always been there for me. How could I have been so blind? Why would she do something like that? I need answers. Please, Neil. I need answers. I want to hear it from her own mouth.”

The car journey is pure torture. A crushing silence between the two as they make their way to the police station. Morgan could be in custody, depending on what she said.

“There's no guarantee they'll let us in,” he tries to break the ice. Claire nods and bites her lips.

“Why did it take them so long to check the surveillance tapes?”, she asks and Neil shrugs.

“No one thought that the medicine supply might have anything to do with it. It was only when the autopsy results came in, which was only a few weeks later, that it became known that he had ingested an overdose of anesthetic. The investigation took so long, every nurse was questioned about it, even Morgan was questioned again. My guess is she did a good job of denying it.”

Claire nods again and lowers her head. “I'm sorry I yelled at you like that. I shouldn't have done that.” He puts his hand on her leg and squeezes gently. “Don’t worry, it was kinda hot,” he smiles, and she chuckles.

“I know it won't be easy for you to go back to the police. Whatever happens, I'm with you, okay?”, he says. She bends over and gives him a gentle kiss on the cheek. “I know, thank you.” He feels her trembling, her hands sweating.

* * *

It smells of old leather bags, freshly printed documents and metal. The smell of sweaty police uniforms penetrates her nose and the bright light of the offices dazzles her.

“Five minutes is all you get,” the police officer says, leading them into the back of the station. “I want to talk to her alone,” Claire says to Neil just as he tries to lead the way.

“Are you sure?”

“I am.”

“I’ll wait for you right outside the door if you need me,” he reassures her and she squeezes his hand. The interrogation room is empty, garish and old-fashioned. She remembers well the last time she was here, even though it's been a whole year. She sits down on the squeaky metal chair in the middle, waiting for Morgan to be brought in. Of course, she thought about what she would ask them if it was really the truth. But now that she's sitting here, she's forgotten every single question. The cop opens the door and Morgan is brought in. Her blonde, wavy hair still fits perfectly around her cheek, she is still wearing her doctor's uniform and the handcuffs almost cut off the blood circulation around her joints. She does not smile; she lowers her gaze and sits down in front of Claire. Both are silent, Morgan breathes in and out nervously.

“Please tell me it’s not true, Morgan. Everything they are saying is a lie, isn’t it?” Claire tries to stay as warm and sensitive as possible. After all that time behind bars, she's almost forgotten what it's like to show compassion. Morgan does not answer at first and shakes her head barely visible. Then she looks up and smiles.

“What's the point of lying anymore? I'm fucked anyway. You got me, boohoo,” she says. Horrified, Claire recoils. She tries to hold back the tears, not get up and run away. Or not to get up, punch her in the face and then beat her up. She just sits and swallows. Trying to relax her shaking fists.

“What are you saying? You were right behind me you… you couldn’t have killed him… how did you even know about him…”

“You’re the worst keeper of your own secrets, Claire. It didn’t even take me a minute to figure out what he’s done to you when you saw him on that operating table. I did you a favor. Like I said before, he deserved what he got. You’re not the only one who’s brilliant at her job.”

“How could you do this to me? I was in jail, for you! I took the blame, for you! Why did you do this?” Morgan laughs and avoids her gaze. She clenches her jaw and squeezes her eyes into a line, then she turns to Claire again.

“I had him, you know? Neil? You were gone and he was mine. He loved me the same way he loved you. Alex Park was so useless. I just had to take matters into my own hands. Neil and I have always been meant for each other and then you come along, you little rat, and you just turned his head with your know-it-all-personality and good looks. You should have seen him when you were away. He enjoyed fucking me, he really did. If you could have just stayed a little longer, he would have been mine for good. I would have made him happy.”

Claire gets nauseous. She can hardly believe what she's hearing out of Morgan's mouth right now. It's words that paralyze her. How could she do this to her? She's gone mad, she's not herself. It's not the same Morgan that she once knew. It's not the Morgan who stood up for her, who was her friend. This Morgan is a monster and she deserves what she gets.

“You go rot in hell,” Claire whispers and gets up. She closes the door behind her, and Neil catches her. He presses her firmly against him and she screams quietly into his shoulder. Maybe this was the redemption she needed. She's free, free at last. The stone she had carried in her backpack for so long finally falls from her shoulder. She is innocent, and nothing and nobody will be able to take this innocence away from her. It is time to start over.

“Let’s go home,” Neil whispers in her ear. “There is something else I would like to do first,” she says to him and he nods.

* * *

He doesn't exactly know why she brought him here. "Don't you think it's a bit much for one day?", he asks her worried. It’s just been too much. Morgan’s revelation, Claire is probably all confused, angry and scared. It's the parking lot of the bar of that one night that changed her whole life. The parking lot where Clark attacked her.

“This is where he attacked you…”, he starts but she interrups him. “No, this is where you saved me.” She breathes deeply, as if she wanted to hold the air she breathes in her memories. “I've let fear run my life for too long. I don't want it anymore. I don't want to live with regret anymore, to be pulled down by things or people who are trying to destroy my life. I had everything and I lost everything, Neil. And yet I've been given this gift to start over. You saved my life and went through hell with me, for which I am eternally grateful. But now it's time to start over, together. If that is what you want too.” She turns once in a circle, like a ballerina she swings towards him and grabs his hands.

"I thought I would never see you happy again,” he says, smiling gratefully and wiping away a tear that has fallen down her cheek. “I will have to fight very hard for it, but I want to try,” she answers and gives her a gentle kiss. It is long and soft, and as he lets go; she leans into his embrace.

“I have lived in the dark for so long. Even though the truth hurt like hell, I'm glad it's out,” she says and he agrees with a nod. She looks around the empty parking lot and sighs. “These last few months and the past year... every single time I've been reminded of that night, I've had nightmares and panic attacks. And now that I'm here, I feel absolutely nothing.”

“Time heals wounds, Claire. One step at a time without even noticing, you’ll heal.”

“Thank you, Dr. Melendez,” she teases him playfully and he laughs. “Do you want to go inside and get a drink? And maybe I could beat your ass at bowling?”

“You’re a terrible bowler,” he counters.

“Excuse me? I am not!”, she drags him inside and they sit down at a table next to the bowling lane. They tell each other stories about their past, happy stories, tragic stories. He tells her more about Gabrielle and his childhood, his violent father, lets her dive into his deepest memories and they open their hearts to each other to heal the wounds that bled in them for so long. So long, there was an unspoken gap between the two, and who would have thought that it would take such a turbulent day to finally fill that gap.

“Remember when we were here, and we said how stupid it was to hide a platonic friendship?” she asks him. “I said it is worth it,” he answers, and she smiles. “I can't believe everything that's happened since then. It all seems so long ago,” she continues.

“I want to take you out, on a real date. Remember when we danced together at the hospital prom? How did that make you feel?” he asks her and for a moment she thinks about it, reminiscing on that moment when he pulled her close for the first time, looking incredibly handsome in his suit. She tried to hide the attraction she felt towards him, but she couldn’t help but turn red when he smiled at her. “I felt like I was a teenager again,” she answers, hiding her face behind her hands of embarrassment.

“Don’t be embarrassed! I felt like that too. We should go see a movie, go dancing, ride a Ferris wheel, whatever you would like to do. Let’s just escape for a while, there has been way too much madness” he offers her. Tempting, how could she resist him?

“Yes, I would love to,” she says and kisses him. For a moment both felt no more than young teenagers in love again.


	18. dancing under the stars

Claire runs her fingers gently over the velvet comforter cover of the bed in which her attacker was killed. Killed by Morgan. How could she be so stupid not to know. She feels the cold shiver running down her back as she thinks back to the past year. The fear of returning to this hospital robbed her of her sleep for days. Neil held her hand, squeezed it tightly and protected her from the astonished, sometimes disgusted looks of the others as she took the first step inside.

“Claire.” The deep, rough voice shakes her out of her thoughts. It is Alex Park, standing casually at the door frame, arms crossed. “So, you are officially back again. What a year, huh?” he says.

"Alex, I don't know what to say…”, she starts but he interrupts her with a hand gesture to tell her to stop talking.

“I have not always been easy on you, that is true. But what you did... Accusing me of murder. I will never forgive you for that. It almost cost me my career. I have worked hard to stand here where I am now. Even if it meant fighting my competition. I wasn't always fair. But I would never break my oath, not like this. So, if you want to apologize, then save it.”

Claire is speechless. Maybe he's right about her not judging without evidence. But what he did to her was equally unforgivable. It's time to start over. She promised Neil and herself that. She promised Dr. Lim and Dr. Glassman. She will not start discussing or arguing with Alex. It’s no use, anyway.

“It's been a long day; we should go home now.” That is all she says to him.

Claire hangs her white coat in her locker and sits down on the bench. Her eyes closed; she breathes deeply. She has made it, her first day at work is over. She sits on her trembling hands. _Don't worry anymore Claire, everything will be fine._ Tonight will be a beautiful evening. It should be unforgettable, Neil has promised her. She thinks back to the time she spent with him. All the things that happened and brought her to this point. All the memories of the past, the death of her mother, her alcoholic past. None of them mattered anymore when he came and brought her out of the darkness. Their love for each other was overshadowed by fear, death, jealousy and distance. But somehow, they found each other over and over again. He saved her, in every way. And now it is finally time to embrace that, without thinking there is an ulterior motive behind it or something bad is going to happen any time they get closer.

* * *

Her hair smells freshly washed, her curls fall lightly over her shoulder and the wind ruffles them to a beautiful dance on her back. She made herself pretty, even though she didn't really need to. She is pretty enough as she already is. He has thought of something special. Of course, he doesn't know if she will like it or if it is much too much. But how can he know that if he hasn't tried.

“What is this?”, she asks curiously as he stops, her eyes covered with his hands. It smells of cotton candy, roasted almonds and chestnuts. He hears her chuckle, she is so perceptive. She probably already knows where they are. He takes his hands away and she blinks a few times to get used to the bright, blinking light of the ferris wheel right in front of her. “The County Fair?”, she laughs and puts her head on his shoulder. “Is that silly?”, he asks. Of course, it is. “No, stop it. I love it, I really do. Thank you,” she whispers and gives him gentle kiss on the cheek. Her eyes shine in the neon light, her cheeks are blushed by the cool night air. “Do you wanna go for a ride?”, he asks and she nods in excitement. The night is clearer than it has been for weeks and the stars are so bright that they could almost pass as daylight. Claire snuggles up tight to him, he puts his arm around her shoulder, giving her warmth. The wagon swings back and forth, then something gives it a jolt and it starts to spin, higher and higher. She puts her head in the neck and watches the night sky. Without words she lies in his embrace, enjoying this moment. His heart races as he watches her. At the top, the wheel stops for a moment, just enough time to give her a gentle kiss, caressing her cheek with his thumb, inhaling her scent with his eyes closed. “I. Love. You,” he whispers, word by word so she won’t forget. She says nothing. He knows that she feels the same. The words are spoken far too often that they are no longer enough. The ride on the ferris wheel does not last long enough for them. He wishes he had more time but there is something else he wants to show her tonight.

Neil takes Claire by the hand and pulls her behind him. They squeeze through the crowd into an unexposed forest clearing at the edge of the county fair. The moonlight shines through the branches between the autumn leaves, the cold wind blows them back and forth. Through the falling leaves, right through the treetop, Neil points to the starry sky. Claire nods, puts her head back and smiles. “It’s beautiful,” she says. He looks at her, just at her. “I agree,” he whispers back and reaches out his hand to her. “Dance with me,” he asks her.

“What?”

“You heard me. Last time we danced was at Ryan and Angie’s prom in the hospital. I want us to dance,” he says, bows again like he did the last time. Only this time outside under the stars in his winter coat. She laughs. This time it is sincere and loud as it has not been for a long time, then she takes his hand. He pulls her close to his chest, twirls her around and swings back and forth on his heels. Claire puts her head on his shoulder and listens to his soft humming to Doris Days' _Dream a Little Dream of Me._ She clings to his coat, presses herself firmly against him. The minutes pass by, maybe it's hours, they don't really know anymore.

* * *

“I can hardly wait to go to work tomorrow,” Claire says.

“Why is that?”

“I don’t know. It’s the first time that I’m calm again. So much has happened and I can finally take a breath. I’m just happy, I think. If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know where I’d be right now. You saved me.”

“I was just at the right place at the right time.” She bends her head and kisses him on the lips, their tongues touching. He tastes so damn good. Her hand slides under his winter coat, his chest goes up and down, she notices his nervous heartbeat on her palm. She feels the hot shiver flowing through her body. Her fingers move along his shirt buttons to his belt, open his flap and the trouser button. She presses herself firmly against him and feels his hardness on her belly.

“Are we really going to have sex in the woods?”, he moans in her ear and she giggles. “Why? Are you afraid of the dark?” she answers, and he presses her to the tree right behind her, making her moan out in pleasure. He slides his cold hands under her t-shirt, her nipples get hard instantly and she bites her lips. “Your hands are cold,” she moans and kisses his neck. Her legs cling around his hip and they kiss. The kiss is passionate, filled with desire and craving, hunger for more. It does not take long for them to undress and both press their naked skin together as he gently enters her. Claire clings to him as if she was afraid that he would drop her at any moment.

It was the perfect night and there would be nothing in this one moment that she would still wish for. Nothing but Neil and only him forever. They quickly get dressed again, he puts his coat around her shoulder, buttons it up and reaches for her hand. The way home is not long, they do not talk much to each other, they enjoy the view, the cold night air and each other’s company. Neil's beeper goes off.

“A donor heart for a patient. I gotta go,” he says in a rush of excitement.

“Of course,” Claire smiles.

“It was a beautiful night. I’ll see you when I get home.”

He gives her a quick peck on the lips and rushes off, leaving her in front of his apartment door in his coat. She decides to enjoy the moment outside for a moment and puts her hand in her jacket pocket. Her fingers touch a paper envelope and with a frown she pulls it out. He wrote with pencil on it. Claire opens her phone light to decipher the barely legible writing.

_For our 1 year and some weeks anniversary, but who’s counting anyway. I love you._

She opens it and pulls out two plane tickets to New York. _New York? Why would he want to go back there?_

* * *

Neil has not even put on his white coat when his heart stops. The envelope. He left it in his jacket pocket. Claire must have found it and read it already. He wanted to give it to her after midnight, on her birthday. Of course he did not forget her birthday. What an idiot he is. He looks at his cell phone, no message. Maybe she just took off the coat right away without reaching into her jacket pocket. Maybe he is lucky.

Audrey comes running around the side and taps on Neil's shoulder. “Mr. Martins. He is on the high urgency list. His donor is AB negative, just like him. I can’t believe we got one in time. Weight and Height difference of 7.4%, his circulation has worsened in the last few days, we had to put him on a cardiac support system but he is still a HU-patient,” she says, handing Neil the files and the chart.

“Prep for surgery, then. I will talk to his wife.”

Neil walks towards the worried woman who nervously looks out of the waiting room, walks back and forth and drums her fingers on her legs.

“Mrs. Martins. My name is Dr. Melendez, I am the attending cardiothoracic surgeon and I will operate on your husband today.”

She nods collected and shakes his hand. “So he will get a heart today?”

“He will, if everything goes well, he’ll be out of surgery in about 5 or 6 hours. We are going to open the sternum, the blood circulation will be connected to the heart-lung machine, his own heart removed and the donor organ implanted. We found the perfect match for Mr. Martins. I will send an intern after you as soon as there is news again”, he assures her, squeezes her arm and leaves for the OR.

The operation is proceeding as planned. The new heart is inserted, and Mr. Martins can return to his room. Neil takes a deep breath, his stomach grumbling as he washes his hands and the scrub nurse takes off his garment. On the way to the snack machine Alex Park runs towards him. Neil stops him.

“Dr. Park. Alex. Can I have a word in my office?”

Alex nods and follows him. Neil leans against his desk and swallows. He doesn’t really know how to start.

“I wanted to apologize. My behavior toward you was not professional. I am your superior and have no right to interfere in private matters. Claire and I falsely accused you. I disagree with your actions before, but that is in the past. I hope we can continue to treat each other with decency and respect as co-workers.”

“I have already talked to Claire about it. For me there is nothing to discuss. I'm going back to work, Dr. Melendez. There is much to do.”

Neil nods politely and gestures to the door. Embarrassed, he fiddles with his shirt buttons. That could have gone better.

* * *

Claire opens her eyes slightly when she feels Neil getting into bed next to her. She does not want him to notice that she is still awake. She doesn't want to spoil the surprise she has spoiled for herself. He bends over her and kisses her on the cheek. “Happy Birthday”, he whispers and she smiles. Neil puts the envelope, which she had packed safely back into his jacket pocket, next to her and she sits up. 

“Is that for me?” _Oh Claire, you need to get acting classes._

She opens it and gasps in fake-surprise, trying not to ruin the moment. “New York?” She asks and his eyes glisten at her.

“In New York our story has only just begun. I know you have friends there. Rachel, Jared Kalu... I thought you might like to see them again. I want to go back with you, just for a weekend. What do you think?”

“I love it. Thank you,” she answers. It is genuine. She can hardly wait to see Rachel again. She is surprised by the trust Neil gives her. He is so sure about their relationship that he is okay with her to see Jared again. She loves him. As much as she's never loved anyone before. And she can imagine nothing more beautiful than to go with him to the place where, as he said, their story has just really begun.


	19. kaleidoscope

It is snowing and the cool winter air passes between the endlessly high walls of the New York night. Neil squeezes Claire's hand and pulls her gently beside him. They have been walking through the city for hours, not talking much to each other, enjoying the community and the offside of San José. He pauses in the middle of Central Park. With his coat pulled over his wrist, he wipes the snow mat off a park bench and lets himself fall. Claire does the same and puts her head on his shoulder. She closes her eyes for a short moment and cuddles up to his arm.

“What are you thinking?”, she asks but he doesn’t answer right away. He thinks for a moment before he tells her.

“I was kind of scared to come back. I didn’t want it to trigger any bad memories for you.”

“Why would it? This was the only place where I had good memories. Talking to Rachel last night was the best thing I’ve done for a while, except for hanging out with you, of course.”

“You did a great job getting back into work. I think it's best if we try to close the Alex thing. Even though it might not have ended up the way we hoped it would.”

Claire nods, but Neil doesn’t see it. He just assumes she doesn’t want to talk about it.

"Where are you taking me tomorrow?", she asks him and he smirks. “You will see. We'll drive out of town for the day. Don't worry, we'll be back in the evening,” he answers and places a soft kiss on her head. The snowflakes cover their legs. Again and again she wipes the white stars from her jeans.

“It was a wonderful day. There is nothing more beautiful than Christmas in New York.” He did not know beforehand that she liked it. Of course he had hoped, but that she would be so blown away makes him incredibly happy. She is right. The golden lights hang from the roofs of the city, glittering between the windows and illuminating the dark streets. Especially on a night like the one right now. A silent, snowy night. There is something magical about it. Something colorful, happy and quiet, even in the city that never sleeps. They were out and about all day. Claire showed Neil where to get the best pretzels in town, the best beer and a bowling alley that definitely can't compete with the one in San José.

Back in the room, Claire goes to bed. They have rented a small AirBnB. The apartment is clad in red bricks, the windows, which are chipped by the snow and the cold, creak due to the pressure of the wind, and the warm floorboards have already been there for several years. Neil checks twice to see if Claire is really asleep, then he sneaks to the closet in the living room and opens the drawer. He opens the little box he has been carrying around with him for days in his shaky hands. He was not sure when he decided to spend the rest of his life with this woman. Maybe it was already the first night they had spent together. Maybe it was when he had been separated from her for so long that it almost tore his heart out. Maybe it was then when she had contradicted him in the operating room, without fear and with a certainty that made him baffled. One thing was clear, no matter when he knew that he loved her. He knew it. And he would want to spend every day with her for the rest of his days. He holds the ring of his mother in his hand. It is subtle, silver and a small, angular diamond sparkles as he holds it in the beam of moonlight shining through the room window. He does not know if it is too early to ask her. After all, they have only been together for just over a year. But he has never been more sure of her in life. Even if she said no, he would not regret his decision.

* * *

They stand in the middle of the pampas. Claire is looking at an old farmhouse, a huge silo, or what looks like one. Where the hell did he take her? It was a drive of several hours. It has to be worth it.

“What are we doing here? Milk cows?”, she jokes and he laughs. “You’ll see,” he answers and takes her hand. Claire holds her breath. She looks back and forth, trying to fix her gaze, but a color explosion blinds her and she pauses. The room lights up in bright colors. Purple, blue, yellow, green, everything moves back and forth. What looks like a fatamorgana, a drug trip or maybe a mirror labyrinth is a huge kaleidoscope. She is actually standing in a huge kaleidoscope. It is a pattern of constantly changing dancing color gradients. “What is this?” she whispers. A female voice speaks to her. “This is the world’s largest kaleidoscope. It was actually built in 1997, designed by Charles Karadimos. Feel free to lie down!”, she says and turns on the music. Claire sits on the floor; Neil watches her and does the same. They lie there for minutes, enjoying the color show.

“I can't believe this is real,” Claire whispers into his ear.

“It’s amazing, right?”

“How did you find out about this?”

“I remember seeing your coloring book back at home. You had so many drawings of mandalas and kaleidoscope. I thought you might enjoy it.”

“It’s incredible.”

The show lasts several minutes, then they have to leave the silo again. Outside they stand in the snow for a short time to digest what happened. "I have never seen anything like this in my life. You have to stop constantly surprising me. I can't keep up, Neil.” He laughs and pulls her close. They stand there, hugging each other and then he takes a deep breath. “There is one more thing I want to do tonight when we get back to the city. I think you'll like it.”

“But then it's my turn to give you something back,” she says and smiles playfully. He knows exactly what she is getting at and blushes. “How can I say no to that?” They kiss. Passionately and in love.

* * *

“How much longer? Somehow, I have the feeling I can smell where we are. Have I been here before?”

The two of them waddle through the hall filled with people, his hands covering her eyes. “Now wait a minute. Just one more minute,” he answers and places her at a cold, stony wall. “Keep your eyes closed!”, he tells her and walks a few steps away to the other end of the arch.

He breathes deeply. Closes his eyes, does it like her. Then he whispers into the wall on her opposite side. "Marry me."

Claire opens her eyes. They stand in the whispering gallery. Did she just hear right? Her heart is beating, for a moment she thought it stopped. But she puts her hand on her chest and feels the racing heartbeat. For the rest of their lives. But of course. Of course she wants to. He doesn't have to ask her. It was always clear to her. Him and her to the ends of the earth.

She runs towards him and he lifts her into his arms, clings to her and lifts her up. They go round in circles, forgetting who or what is happening around them. “Yes. Yes, I will marry you,” she sobs. He did not notice that he also started bawling. Even now he is still wondering how he deserves her.

“I love you so much,” he says and puts her back down on the ground. Her legs tremble, he holds her tight and cups her face, then he kisses her. He reaches into his jacket pocket and hands her the small black box that he has been carrying around with him all day. Her breath stops as she opens the box and is dazzled by the sparkling diamond. “It is stunning,” she says and smiles in tears. “May I?”

He gently grabs her hand. Both are trembling, her hands are cold and pale. He puts the ring on her finger, kisses them and presses them firmly to give her warmth. “I can't believe that's true. Pinch me,” she tries to laugh it off.

“If someone had told me a few years ago that I would one day marry my attending, my boss… I would have laughed in their face.”

“And if I had known that I was going to ask this fiery personality, who wanted to steal my patients all the time, to become my wife, I would probably laugh at myself.”

“Steal your patients? Excuse you!”

“It’s true! Everybody liked me until you came and everybody just wanted to be operated on by you.”

“That is because I have shown compassion. You just lacked it a little bit. Almost like Shaun, only a little more deliberate.”

“You may be right. But then you turned my head.” Neil smiles, it’s a contagious one. They’re both glowing.

“I think that I’ve always loved you. I don't know if you read Plato's story. But he said that one thing that humans were created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. And fearing their power, Zeus split them in two, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other half. I think that is true. When I found you, everything was clear. Everything made sense again. You gave me so much. I love you too, Neil. I really do.”

“But I am glad. I really didn't know what I would have done if you had said no.” She playfully hits him on the arm, laughs and clings to his coat. He wipes his tears from his cheek and the two of them go outside, back to their little apartment.

It was a long night, they cuddle up in bed together, naked. He caresses her arm and feels her goose bumps. He is not quite sure if she is freezing, so he pulls the covers up to her shoulders.

“I have never been happier than I am right now, Neil. Do we really have to go back?”

“We have patients waiting for us. And soon the new interns will start. I wish we could stay here too. But our life is in San José.”

“You're right. But it would have been nice to stay here longer anyway.”

“We can always come back here, Claire. We have all the time in the world. One step at a time, together. I promised you that. And now it is forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for going on this journey with me. The next chapter will be the last one. I'm excited but sad to close this but every good thing needs to come to an end sometimes. Writing about Melendaire has been some kind of therapy for me for a while. I'm glad you stuck with me for so long!


	20. we deserve a soft epilogue, my love

“My name is Dr. Melendez, I am your chief of surgery and I will be responsible for you for the next months and maybe years. Being a doctor is not easy. You will suffer. You will suffer but it will be worth it. Remember that it has to rain before there are rainbows. I will try to make your time here as pleasant and educational as possible. My doors are open to you.”

The beeper rings and the new trainees look frightened between each other. Shaun struts by and pauses. “Claire, your husband is waiting on you in his office.”

Tom, one of the interns approaches Claire and shakes her hand. “I have heard a lot about you, Dr. Melendez. I can hardly wait to work with you. Your husband is the best president this hospital can have. We are very lucky.”

“Be sure to tell him that yourself, he loves to hear that”, she chuckles. She can hardly remember the last time she was this happy. She puts her notes in the pocket of her smock and makes her way to Neil's office.

Neil is sitting at his desk, and when the door opens, he beams at his wife. "Dr. Browne, what have you done?" he hums playfully and prances towards her. He grabs Claire's waist and twirls her around, then presses her firmly against him. “Dr. Browne? I think I like Melendez better,” she answers softly and kisses him on his cheek. She continues to speak as she sits on his desk.

“I’ve just greeted the newcomers. They reminded me so much of myself when I started.”

“You mean they’re all as beautiful and smart as you are?”

Claire laughs and blushes. How can he still make her blush after so many years?

“Of course, I don't mean that! They are so inexperienced, so innocent. I almost feel sorry for them…”

“You will settle in. You will accompany them and show them the right way. You are a wonderful doctor.”

“I want to be not only a wonderful doctor. I want to be a good doctor. Someone they can look up to.”

“I have admired you since I met you. The new ones will do the same.” Neil comes towards her and gives her a short peck on the lips. “I will pick up the kids, we’ll get the tree today,” he says. Claire smiles. Their children, their pride and joy. It was not an easy pregnancy, four years ago. The twins were too small, Claire suffered for a long time and after the birth she spent almost two weeks in hospital with the little ones. But they are healthy and that is all that matters. Neil is an incredible father. She has seen him blossom like never before. It is a miracle, her own personal miracle.

* * *

Neil runs towards his girls and they run radiantly into his arms. He lifts them up, Grace on the left and Gabby on the right.

"Gabrielle Breeze Melendez, you look just like your sister again today. Which of the two is which?"

"You know exactly who we are!" They laugh, it is a laughter that can make the whole world shine brighter.

"You're almost as big as our new Christmas tree!"

"Oh yes! Are we getting the tree today, papa?" Grace nibbles at her brown curls. They are the curls of her mother.

"Of course! And then we’ll put ALL the presents under it.”

He puts their seatbelts on and breathes deeply. He still cannot believe that this is his life now. It is the life he has always wanted. He has the job of his dreams, is allowed to wake up every day next to the love of his life and is father to two beautiful daughters.

* * *

The ornaments on the tree glitter behind the sparkling lights. From Neil's old record player, the soft voice of Ella Fitzgerald sings along to Christmas music and there is a smell of cinnamon all over the house. Claire has baked, after a twelve-hour shift. _Pinch me_ , he thinks, _how do I deserve her?_

He grabs her hand and pulls her towards him, swings her back and forth and dances slowly through the kitchen into the gallery.

“You smell delicious,” he whispers and nibbles on her earlobe. Claire giggles and cuddles herself closer to his chest. The girls will believe that Santa Claus was there. I can't wait to see their faces in the morning. She glances at the tree and the pile of presents under it. “Do you think we overdid it again?” she asks and Neil laughs. Claire puts her head on his shoulder while he gently pulls her through the hallway to the music.

“I love this song,” she whispers with her eyes closed and she feels his soft breath on her neck.

_Have yourself a merry little Christmas, let your heart be light_

_Next year all our troubles will be out of sight_

_Have yourself a merry little Christmas, make the yule-tide gay_

_Next year all our troubles will be miles away_

Neil looks at the clock at the oven, it’s midnight.

“Merry Christmas, baby. I love you,” He gently lets go of her and lifts her chin so he can kiss her. The kiss is gentle and reserved, then he hugs her tightly and their tongues meet.

_Once again as in olden days_

_Happy golden days of yore_

_Faithful friends who are dear to us_

_Will be near to us once more_

“I love you, Neil Melendez.” She speaks his name as if it were the last time, she would ever be allowed to use it again. She almost lost him once before. Not a day should go by where he does not know how much she loves him.

_Someday soon, we all will be together, if the fates allow_

_Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow_

_So have yourself a merry little Christmas now_

“How do you think our story would have ended if you hadn't helped me back then at the bar?”, she asks.

“Let’s not think about that.”

“Maybe we wouldn’t be where we are now… Maybe we would be strangers…”

“In another life, maybe…”

Their story is not a typical love story. On the contrary, they had to fight for their love and fight against prejudices. There is no one in the world she trusts more than Neil. He proved himself again and again and showed what he feels for her. He did not give up on her even when it seemed pointless. And he has given her the greatest gift that could be given to her, along with her children.

The promise of forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
